Celtic Thunder Concert Review – Atlanta (part 2)

Before I proceed to recapping the second half of Celtic Thunder’s Atlanta concert, I must add something I forgot to include from the first half recap.

During “Galway Girl,” Daniel stood up from his box at one point and did about three measures of Irish dance! It was the cutest thing, and he looked a wee bit embarrassed. Of course, we all hollered and the rest of the guys looked suitably impressed. It was great!

Song for the Mira – Keith, Daniel, George, Emmet, Neil

I’m so glad I can scribble down enough lyrics to find out what these songs are named!  This song is kind of a slow wistful song about missing scenes and friends back home, and how they’ll soon be home again. However, I thought it was more of a sad song during the show, and the idea of death was reinforced by Keith’s latest outfit.

The boy looked like his mother had dressed him to attend a funeral. He was wearing a three-piece gray suit with tie, and looked like he wanted nothing more than to take it off. *refrains from making a joke about being happy to help with that*

Daniel is wearing a loosely constructed jacket that has some kind of Hogwarts-esque crest on the pocket. He’s got on a tee-shirt and linen pants as well.

George is in a very nice brown suit, Emmet’s in shiny dark gray, and Neil’s in navy. Oh, and he’s playing his guitar with this.

Nice song, but let’s pick it up soon, k?

Desperado – Ryan

Welcome back, scuffed chair! We’ve missed you! And oh – we’ve missed the view of Ryan as well. He’s wearing dark gray slacks and vest, with a gray shirt and a really nice gray/white diagonal striped tie.

And as lovely as that image is, now imagine him stepping into blue-ish green lights that transform that suit into shiny blue iridescence. OH. MY. STARS. Gorgeousness, right in front of me.  For a second I thought I’d mistaken the gray getup for a blue one, but then he stepped out of the light and it went back to gray.

GO BACK INTO THE LIGHT, RYAN. And then don’t move for the rest of the show.  Man.  A picture of this lovely blue moment needs to be in a calendar, pronto.

The song ends, and he swings the chair over the shoulder, looking back at us wistfully.  And right as the lights begin to fade, he delivers a slow wink. Ni-i-i-i-i-ice.

Cats in the Cradle – George

I’ve never been a massive fan of this song in general, but George did a really, really nice job with it. It suited his voice and style really well. And when George has a song that the audience can get behind and sing to, well, it’s just lovely.  I can imagine him sitting on a stool in a Glasgow pub, singing this to the regulars.  Wonderful.

My Irish Molly – Emmet

Neil’s onstage with his guitar, and Emmet comes out, having donned a gray newsboy cap.  This is really nice – Emmet gets to shine on an uptempo. He’s singing about falling for his girl Molly (lyrics here). Seated on the stage he tells us how people say he loves Molly because she has 100 sovereigns tucked away. “Oh, but if you had just 99, I’d love you just the same,” he responds, his eyes a-twinkling.  Then he starts in on this “Oh–” leading into the chorus, but instead, he holds it out and does this kind of operatic run on it that just rocked.  At some point in the song – maybe after holding this note? – he pulled off his hat, and had total Robert Pattinson hair going on. Hee.

The audience was clapping and stomping, and we got to see a TON of personality here – I really enjoyed this.

Always a Woman To Me – Neil

I don’t have much to say on this one (it’s the Billy Joel song), other than the opening verses are in Neil’s lower register and his voice sounds very different when he sings lower. We don’t get to hear this sound from him very often.

Danny Boy – All Six

They did this a capella, and it’s only appropriate that the literal Danny Boy of the group started this off. Now having six voices, including one very high, pure voice, gave them them freedom to change up with the arrangement and add in some additional harmonies.  They’ve played around with the melody a bit, and it sounded really nice.  For those who love the song, I imagine this arrangement could bring a sweet tear to the eye.

Whiskey in the Jar – Keith and Neil

Enough of the slow stuff – time to rock, and Keith’s wearing red shoes. These make me oddly happy. Keith’s wearing a dark vest, but I can still see open buttons under it. *wipes brow in relief*

You can tell this is more in Keith and Neil’s wheelhouses – they’ve got big grins on their faces, and I spy the HarkinDimples.

Okay, you know the part where they run back and forth across the stage?  Keith’s hair, which is the perfect length at the moment, just bounces and flows like Farrah Fawcett’s and settles into the absolutely perfect ‘wind-swept’ look. My notes just say “Run, Keith! Run”. He should always run – it styles his hair perfectly!

You’ve Got a Friend In Me – Daniel

Daniel is seated on the steps next to Keith, who’s playing ukelele. This is SO cute. The entire audience went, “Awwww!” after the first line, and I swear, we couldn’t have helped it had we tried.

Daniel copies whatever Keith does – if Keith crosses his left ankle over his right, so does Daniel. So of course Keith keeps changing his position, and therefore so does Daniel. Keith’s face is “perturbed and annoyed” and he keeps trying to negate whatever Daniel says. As in, “no, you don’t have troubles” or “no, we’re not going to be friends forever.”  In fact, Daniels says “Our friendship will never die,” and Keith mouths, “yeah it will,” in return.

Keith acts as though he’s trying to get away from the little pest, but Daniel’s persistent. Daniel finally “chases” Keith off the steps. They end up standing next to another, Daniel still shorter despite being on a step or two or three, next to him.

Totally adorable.

Friends in Low Places – Ryan

If you’ve ever imagined seeing Ryan wearing nicely fitted black Levi’s, this is your moment.  If you wanted to see him play his guitar, this is your moment.  If you wanted to hear how he sounds singing a Garth Brooks song, well, you’re out of luck, because the audience singalong rendered it really hard to hear. Sorry.

It was a really fun one, though, and Ryan was enjoying himself. He called out to us several times, encouraging us to join him. And then at the end, Neil, Emmet, George and Keith came out and sang the final choruses with him.

Seven Drunken Nights – George, Ryan, Neil, Emmet, Keith

This was, hands-down, my favorite song of the night. And it might rank up there in the Top Five best CT performances ever. I’m going to have to walk you through this one, because it was too much fun!

The guys are standing in the order shown above, with Keith on the far right. He’s got his guitar, and he’s the only one standing on the stage – the others are a couple of steps higher than he is. After an intro from the band, he sings the following, a capella:

As I went home on Monday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a horse outside the door where my old horse should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that horse outside the door where my old horse should be?

Now, he’s kind of embellishing a bit, which he can do because there’s no accompaniment.  As soon as he finishes that bit, the guys and the band come in for the chorus, which is this:

Ah, you’re drunk,  you’re drunk you silly old fool, still you can not see
That’s a lovely sow that me mother sent to me
Well, it’s many a day I’ve travelled a hundred miles or more
But a saddle on a sow sure I never saw before.

Not that we could hear a word of that – we were clapping and stomping and having a grand old time.

Next up, Emmet steps down to Keith and sings his verse a capella:

And as I went home on Tuesday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a coat behind the door where my old coat should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that coat behind the door where my old coat should be

And then we get the chorus:

Ah, you’re drunk, you’re drunk you silly old fool, still you can not see
That’s a woollen blanket that me mother sent to me
Well, it’s many a day I’ve travelled a hundred miles or more
But buttons in a blanket sure I never saw before

Next up is Neil, and this is where the true fun begins. Before Neil even begins singing, his posture has changed, and he’s practically falling down. He’s grabbed on to Ryan like he’s going to tumble down the steps and his eyes are half-closed. Let’s just say that these actions – the “dead-drunk” and the “supporting a dead-drunk mate” look very well practiced.  And we hear Neil sing:

And as I went home on Wednesday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a pipe up on the chair where my old pipe should be

And before Neil can sing the rest – or maybe because Neil’s too “drunk” to do so, Keith chimes in:

Well, I called his wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that pipe up on the chair where my old pipe should be

Then the chorus:

Ah, you’re drunk, you’re drunk you silly old fool, still you can not see
That’s a lovely tin whistle that me mother sent to me
Well, it’s many a day I’ve travelled a hundred miles or more
But tobacco in a tin whistle sure I never saw before

Next up we have Ryan, who somewhat steadily makes his way down the steps.

And as I came home on—

Ryan is staring down at his hand, mentally ticking off the days on his fingers. Before he can get to the third finger, Keith shouts “Thursday!” Ryan looks at him thankfully and continues:

—Thursday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw two boots beneath the bed where my old boots should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns them boots beneath the bed where my old boots should be

I should point out that as soon as he mentions seeing two boots that weren’t his, Emmet, Keith and Neil are all trying to hide their feet, as if they don’t want Ryan to recognize their boots. As in, “I’m gonna tug my trousers down” and “I’ll step on one boot with the other and no one will be able to tell what I’m doing.” PRICELESS.

And the chorus, which we still can’t hear and don’t mind a bit:

Ah, you’re drunk, you’re drunk you silly old fool, still you can not see
They’re two lovely Geranium pots me mother sent to me
Well, it’s many a day I’ve travelled a hundred miles or more
But laces in Geranium pots I never saw before

Now people are laughing before George can even begin.  He’s standing there as if he and he alone can hold his liquor.  What’s awesome is that his Scottish burr is out in FULL force. He’s rolling those Rs as if his life depended on it.

And as I went home on Friday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a head upon the bed where my old head should be

At this, Keith holds the guitar up to hide his face. Emmet has his head buried in Keith’s shoulder. Neil is using Emmet’s shirt to hide HIS head, and Ryan is folded over, all in hopes of not having their head ‘recognized’. This was an absolute SCREAM.

Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that head upon the bed where my old head should be

We finally get to the last chorus:

Ah, you’re drunk, you’re drunk you silly old fool, still you can not see
That’s a baby boy that me mother sent to me
Well, it’s many a day I’ve travelled a hundred miles or more
But a baby boy with his whiskers on sure I never saw before!

I can’t wait to see them perform this again!!!!! This ranks up there with watching them do “A Place In the Choir” for the first time.

All Out of Love – Keith

Oh, he’s added some nice inflections and Keith-isms to this one. And when you combine that with the extended view of the underside of his thighs in tight pants as he sat on the stage, I was just one big puddle.

He says, “I just want you to carry me home” and I just want to stand up and shout “OK!”   *sigh*

He gets toward the end of the song, with him center stage. He’s got his arms spread out and he’s holding one of the notes for-ev-er, eyes closed. He actually stops the song as we cheer, then walks to the side, egging us on to continue cheering for him. It’s Cheeky Keith, encouraging us to cheer with those HarkinDimples! At one point he even crosses his arms, as if he’s not going to continue until he’s satisfied with our cheers.

That’s okay, I could stay here all night.

500 Miles – George

I’m so glad this crowd-pleaser is back. Georgie rocked it, as always, and the audience was right there, singing along with him.

This is the Moment – Emmet

I’ve always liked this song (lyrics), and I’m glad Emmet got to end with kind of a “glory” performance that showcased his voice.

Place in the Choir – All Six

Boy did the audience cheer when they realized this was up!  What was really cute this time was Nicole the fiddler was walking/swishing by in front of the steps where the guys were standing, and Keith stood behind Daniel, covering his eyes. And as soon as Keith removed his hand’s from Daniel’s eyes, Neil bent down and waggled his finger in front of Daniel’s eyes, as though saying, “Don’t even think about it.” VERY cute.

Ending Instrumental – The Band

Each musician kind of got a featured ‘moment’ during this song, and the harpist even came out from behind her instrument and began Irish dancing across the stage. I wish I knew what song this was – it had a sound like it should be playing during a battle scene of a motion picture.  And at the end, they took time to each give a bow and get a little recognition for their contribution to the show. About time they got a moment in the spotlight!

Ireland’s Call – All Six

All I can really say about this is that there were NO socks falling down.  Even on little Daniel’s tiny toothpick legs – all 12 socks remained in place. And speaking of Daniel, I’m sure that’s D’s old kilt, and it’s way too big for him – the sleeves completely covered his hands.

For those wondering, Daniel sang at the same time Ryan did. So we got to hear “Hearts of steel…” in two octaves.

The best moment for me for this song came right at the end, when they all had their hands in the air. Daniel was right in line with me, and as the song ended he looked right at me. Unable to clap due to the pen in my hand, my free hand was in the air making a “thumbs up” sign. Knowing he could see me, I mouthed, “good job!” right at him, and he beamed back at me. And before they moved on to wave to other people, he looked back at me again so I winked at him. What a sweet kid.

So that’s it – another great CT concert. The second half was much better than the first, as I really prefer more of the up-tempo, audience participation songs.

I’ll be seeing them again in Seattle (and maybe Spokane) and I can’t wait. If anything else fun happens, I’ll be sure to let you know!

Celtic Thunder Concert Review – Atlanta (part 1)

Three hours before last night’s CT concert, I got a call.

Poor “Steve” had a family emergency and couldn’t use his FOURTH ROW PIT CENTER seats to the Celtic Thunder show at the Fabulous Fox Theatre. I could have two seats for $80.

I have the best luck when it comes to these things. Thank you Lord.

After taking a deep breath, I ran upstairs to put on makeup. Because from the fourth row, you can see them, and they can see you. This was not the time to be au naturel. I’m nearly 40, for crying out loud. Having a bare face is fine for a Saturday night at home watching the NCIS marathon on USA, but seeing Celtic Thunder from the fourth row requires creams, lotions and spackle in Costco proportions.

I also called my friend Penny from Work, who I gave my extra ticket to last year, and who has since become a big CT fan. She was delighted to be asked to go with me.

So an hour before showtime we were braving the traffic caused by the Georgia Tech game, trying to make it on time to meet up with one of the ladies I follow on Twitter, but have never met. I find it’s always really fun to finally meet people with whom you regularly talk to online.

Finally we made it to the theater, tickets in hand, and met the lovely @mostlyunaware in person. It was absolutely wonderful to meet her – hopefully we can meet up again someday soon!

We make our way down to the pit (where the orchestra sits during some shows), received our wrist bands (?) and were shown to our seats in the fourth row. Now, these chairs are packed in there to maximize PBS pledges, so we were kind of like sardines. But my face was about 8 feet from the stage, so you’re not going to hear me complaining one bit!

We quickly made friends with the people around us, I opened my notebook, and we settled in. In no time at all, the show began.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you my recap of the Keith Harkin Tight Pants Appreciation Tour.  Because if you love Keith Harkin, tight pants, or most importantly, Keith Harkin IN tight pants, this is your tour.

This is SO my tour.

I apologize if some portions of this recap feature nothing more than blathering remarks about Keith’s attire. I couldn’t help myself.

The Stage Set:

We’ve got the same central stage with five stairs that we’ve had since the IE show. This time it’s ringed in a rock facade and the stairs look like wood. The large fake rock is back in place at it’s home on the left side of the stage, and there’s a rock wall facade and two ficus trees behind it.  The right side of the stage doesn’t have much on it other than the back wall facade and it’s not used as much as the left side is used. In other words, you want tickets on the center/left side.

The band platform itself looks typical – guitars/drums to the left and keys/strings/harp on the right. The backdrop features a large old sailing ship on it in the middle center.  I snapped a picture before being yelled at by an usher. I can’t take pictures “for copyright reasons”. Whatever.

A lady with big poofy hair sits in front of me (we ARE in the South) and I wonder if I’ll be able to see little Daniel over it. Hmm. Will have to report on that later.

Alicia, our local perky PBS lady, comes out to wish us all hello and thank us for our support. (Thanks, Steve, for supporting PBS! I wouldn’t be here without you!) She tells us that we’ll get to see their newest show, Voyage, in March on our local station. And if we’re good pledgers, we might get to see the guys on stage again next year.

It’s finally time to begin. The band enters, the lights dim, and the music starts:

Dulaman – All Six

The opening strains of the first song has a familiar sound to it. Almost a little bit “Little Mermaid” like, which I know sounds crazy. When I see them perform in Seattle in a couple of weeks, I’m going to verify this.

The new, young Piano Dude has a curtain under the keyboard to protect prying eyes from staring up his kilt. I only notice this because, as the music begins, he lifts his hands and is directing CT as they sing offstage.  Imagine hearing a monastery of monks. That’s the sound. I would have guessed it was Latin, but I’m sure it’s actually Gaelic.  I notice that Declan the drummer is singing along with them. (Read lyrics here.)

Finally we get a glimpse of the guys. Out first is Neil, wearing a light blue button down with a long skinny scarf looped around his neck. Next up is George, wearing a vest over a light blue shirt.  Emmet is third, wearing navy slacks and a light blue button-down with sleeves rolled up. Ryan is next, breaking the light blue trend. He is, of course, wearing all gray, complete with a vest and a tie.  Last to enter is Keith, wearing a light blue shirt, and light tan pants.  Tight, light tan pants.  Well, I think they were tan. My notes for Keith just say “TIGHT” and nothing else.

In fact, halfway through the song, my friend Penny grabbed my notebook and wrote “CLOSE ENOUGH TO SEE THE BULGES IN THEIR PANTS”.

Little Daniel comes out to join them partway through. He’s wearing a striped shirt with white cuffs, untucked. He’s so little. Damian, while just 14 when he started, was always bigger than this, and his voice was already much lower than Daniel’s. He looks much younger than 14 – more like 11 or 12.  When standing next to the others, I note that Emmet could completely rest his chin on the top of Daniel’s head.

The song itself is very dramatic, but the guys have very straight faces and I can’t help but feel it’s not the most exciting or energetic of beginnings to a concert. Maybe it’s because I don’t know the song and don’t speak the language, but it’s not a song you can really clap along to or get in the groove to, the way you could with “Heartland” or “New Day Dawning.”  Let’s hope it picks up quickly.

Isle of Hope – Emmet

Nope, not going to pick up much in this one. It’s a slow song about Ellis Island and immigrating to America. (Hear Celtic Woman’s version here.)

However, seeing Emmet for the first time is a real treat. I’ve seen him twice on QVC now, and locally when he came for the PBS pledging, but he’s completely over that “deer in the headlights” look he used to have. He’s very comfortable on stage, and his voice is really excellent. He’s got some of that same “opera-trained” tone that Paul has, but it’s not as prominent. If people didn’t like Paul’s opera style, they’ll love Emmet. And if the loved Paul’s opera style, they’ll love Emmet.

Overall, people will love Emmet. Between his smile, dimples and eyes that literally twinkle in the stage lights, he’s a delight to watch. Even if the song was a bit… meh.

The Dutchman – Keith

Gah! I’m sensing a pattern here of draggy songs. Are they trying to appeal more to the stodgy PBS-goers?  Don’t get me wrong – I like the song and Keith’s four-shirt-buttons-are-open delivery of it, but it’s not helping bring about the kind of high-energy, waving-my-glowstick show I really enjoy.

But it’s Keith, so there’s lots to look at while he sings. First of all, he’s perched against the rock that’s directly in front of me, and I can see his face even though the lights aren’t up yet. He’s smirking at the yells and cheers as he gets settled.  And once they do come up, he’s close enough that I can see his Adam’s Apple work in his throat as he swallows. Who knew that could be so mesmerizing? And his plucky fingers are working as though he was playing an invisible guitar. I love seeing that.

He’s wearing tight, light tan pants, that have an appearance of skinny jeans, in a way. It’s very easy to see the wrinkles of his boxers underneath them.  I find myself staring so hard at the wrinkly boxers that I swear I can almost see stripes on them, through his pants. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking, or maybe the pants aren’t very thick, but I was quite distracted by this.

If you couldn’t tell.

During the song he gets up and walks to sit on the stairs. Someone must have really yelled at him about slouching because he’s sitting up so straight it looks painful. He’s barely “seated” at all – his right “cheek” isn’t even fully resting on the stage. I’m distracted by the lovely curves, not hearing anything until I swear he mis-sang a line of the song. What is actually “they hum together in the dark” sure sounded like “they hump together in the dark.”

Again, perhaps it’s just wishful thinking.

Plucky Instrumental – The Band

With no idea the name of this, I’ve decided to call it the Plucky Instrumental, because with it the tempo finally popped a bit.  Let’s take a closer look at the band:

Declan is back on drums, and Barry, who filled in for Brendan the BBQ Master on a past tour, is back in the role of guitar/bodran/piccolo player.

We’ve got Nicole back on fiddle, sitting between a long-haired brown harpist and a cellist with a cute short blonde ‘do and bright red lips.

The young (30?) piano player is nice looking, but I find myself missing Dave and his hip-throwing.  There doesn’t seem to be the fun and camaraderie between the band and CT/band that I’ve seen in the past.

Also missing: there’s some instrument that seems to be missing so far, but I’m not enough of a musician to put my finger on it. The best I can do is say that so far, something has been missing and the arrangements sound a bit “thin.”  I wonder if that’s the sign of a musical director who is far less talented than Phil Coulter.

I don’t mean to seem down on the show. This isn’t Monday morning quarterbacking – it’s honestly what I was feeling at the time and wrote in my notebook. I was enjoying myself, but up to this point in the show, I found myself comparing this experience to past shows and was a wee bit disappointed.

Noreen – Neil

Another slow one. *bites lip to refrain from commenting*  I still really love this song.  Since you all know it, let’s just look at Neil. My notes say he looks skinny (nice slim pants), and he’s completely devoid of facial hair and piercings, which I still miss a teeny bit.

Halfway in the song, someone “whoo hoo-ed” really loudly at an inappropriate time and cracked everyone up, including Neil. He stood and practically turned his back to us (as if looking at the band) in order to compose himself before starting to sing again. Heh.

Black is the Colour – Ryan

Finally! Something with a beat!  And oh my, the yells and screams of appreciation as he appeared on stage.  Neil is with the band (apparently he joins in whenever an electric guitar is needed), and it’s good to see him back in his usual spot.

Ryan must have just recently gotten a haircut, and it’s actually got some nice shaping to it. He should always wear it this way. Very short on the sides, a little more on top, finger-brushed toward his left eye. Nice.

You can tell he’s had a difficult year. His face has an older, harder look to it. Not that he’s lined by any means, but there’s a gravitas to his face which I don’t remember from before.

Up close, I can see he is wearing a delicate gray chain that trails from his left vest pocket over to the vest button. Verrrrry nice. And he’s very slim – not “skinny” but just nicely toned. Looking good, Mr. Kelly.

He’s running over to flirt with Nicole and her black hair, and he’s practically taking flying leaps at times. That just made me smile. And there was massive applause when he finished.

It’s good to see him back.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow – Daniel

Poor kid had to endure someone yelling “Marry Me!” right as he began! But he was a pro and didn’t react at all.  Wearing super shiny shoes, a loose tie and a jacket, this little angel was adorable. With his hands in his pockets as if he wasn’t fazed a bit, he looked really comfortable on the stage. And at the end of the song he gave us the teeniest little smile as the lights faded out.  Precious.

Maid of Cullmar/Cullnor (?) – Keith, Neil, George, Ryan, Emmet

Keith came out first and I thought it was a solo. I was so distracted by his new tight medium gray pants, grey vest, and loosely hanging suspenders that look like he was halfway undressed that I was too distracted at first to realize the other guys were joining in the song.

When I finally looked up and saw Neil, who’d changed into a white shirt with a dark brown vest and tan pants that fit very nicely, I was surprised and pleased.

Then George came out, then Ryan and finally Emmet.  And my notes just say: Keith = bulge-y-ness” (double underline).

So, yeah. I have no idea what this song was about, titled, or sounded like. Sorry.

Red Rose Cafe – George

Yay! Another lively song! George was really interacting with the band and having a great time. With his mannerisms, the audience singing along and the feel of the song, this performance reminded me of the Thenardiers’ ‘Master of the House’ song from Les Miserables.

The other guys came out to sing the final choruses with them, and Keith and Emmet were right in front of me. Keith lifted his hands in the air to get the audience swaying with them, and then grabbed his belly like Santa Claus chuckling when George sang about everyone sharing in the laughter. It was really cute.

Clancy Medley – All Six

Okay, this was awesome, and began the “Keith Torturing Daniel” portion of the show.

Keith is partly behind Daniel on the left, and Neil and Emmet are on the right. Daniel starts of the song with the “I’ll tell me ma…” part. Keith is looking at Neil but pointing to Daniel, miming that he needs to comb his hair as he sings the line “they pull my hair, they stole my comb.”  Adorable.

Then when they talk about the “belle of Belfast City” Keith has moved behind Daniel and is covering his ears, aka “Earmuffs”. Then he steps to the side and kicks Daniel in the rear before finally pulling on his ear.

The torture continues as they move toward the rock – Keith’s pretending as though Daniel is a football and he’s going for the Point After Touchdown. Neil finally takes over the DanielAbuse and messes with him a bit before chasing Daniel off the stage, leaving it to the big boys. Heh.

Past The Point of Rescue – Neil

This is a nice mid-tempo song that I really liked. I noted a couple of lyrics to hold me over until I get a recording of this: “Do you know more much you’re losing? I do.” “Do you know how much I love you? No you don’t, but I do.” “Is no word from you at all the best you can do?”YUM.

Hey, if “she” doesn’t want you, Neil. I’ll take you.  I’m just sayin’…

All Day Long – Keith

Ahh! A Keith original! (Listen here.) And he’s wearing a lovely gray fedora hat and playing his guitar!  This is “festival Keith” who is happy just doing his thing singing his music. Utter awesomeness.  The string girls are singing backup, and he keeps going from the top of the stairs down to the bottom and back again.  He’s totally in his element here.  Amazing.

Galway Girl – All 6

Oh, this was a fun one. Every member of CT has an instrument in hand – George has his guitar, Keith still has his guitar, Neil is on a ukelele, Emmet has his violin, Ryan has a piccolo(!) and Daniel’s sitting and knocking on a wooden box for percussion. They were really enjoying themselves, and I’m glad that we ended the first half on a high note.

Let’s keep it up in part 2, coming soon!

Celtic Thunder Goodies from QVC

You suffered through endless ugly Aran sweaters, hours of pea green Connemara marble and the embarassment of that Stephen dude, just for quick glimpses of CT. You deserve some love, so here you go:

Emmet, Ryan and Neil singing Lagan Love: Download the full song MP3

Lagan Love ringtone:  iPhone  /  MP3

The New Clancy Medley:  Download the full song MP3

New Clancy Medley ringtone:  iPhone  /  MP3

 

You. Are. Welcome.

The Celtic Thunder Drinking Game, the Fall 2011 Edition

In honor of tomorrow’s appearances on QVC, @Spacerbunny and I have resurrected the “CT on QVC” drinking game, based on those little quirks the guys demonstrate during these appearances. For instance, we’ve noticed that in the past, besides trying to take over the sales pitch, Paul would always take a teeny tiny step in front of the other guys. Keith frequently gets the giggles, particularly when he thinks he’s off-camera. George is either ignored completely or addressed as the token Scottish/married/old guy. Damian could only be addressed if he was also referred to as the youngest. Ryan looks up to the studio lights right before he sings, like he’s drawing inspiration from their glare.

So why not have a little fun with these quirks and create a drinking game?

That’s what all sane people do, right? Right? *hears crickets*

Anyway…. I hereby present the Second Not-Really-Annual version of the “CT on QVC” Drinking Game. This is the STORM edition, with some items specific to tomorrow’s appearance.

The entire list is below. You can also download a PDF version here. Play along during their appearances.

There will be a running commentary on Twitter as we all watch together. If everyone remembers to hashtag their tweets “#ctqvc” then people can search by it and we can all play along and enjoy the shows together, regardless of who you follow or who follows you!

This Edition’s Rules:

• Each time you hear the word Connemara, take 1 sip.
• For every tweet sent out from any CT Member between QVC appearances, 1 sip. This goes all day, pace yourself!
• When the ‘exclusive to QVC’ tracks are mentioned, take 1 drink.
• If Neil randomly sits on a chair, take 1 drink.
• If Keith slags on Emmet, take 1 drink.
• If Emmet messes up choreography, take 1 drink.
• If they say “Kay-hill” instead of “Cahh-hill”, take 1 drink
• If Ryan looks up to the lights ‘for inspiration’, take 1 drink and ponder something.
• If Keith removes his earpiece mid-song, take 1 drink.
• If they mention that Damian has left the group to be on Glee, take 1 drink, make the “Loser” sign on your forehead and tweet “@damianmcgintyct #iwishiwasjessiesgirl #wemissyouinct #ctqvc”
• If Ryan’s microphone grip results in him ‘flipping the bird’, take 1 drink and tweet a pic of the screen grab.
• If Keith is miming ‘playing his guitar’ while he sings, take 1 drink
• If they sing a song none of us have ever heard before, scream with joy, then take 1 drink. Trust that we will find the audio for you and post a link on www.circlingtheglobe.com.
• If Emmet gets caught glancing sideways to see what the others are doing, take 1 drink while you tweet your best friend: “thanks for always having my back!”
• If George is mentioned as being the oldest or married, take 1 drink of Ensure.
• If you can see the studio lights reflected off George’s head, take 1 drink and tweet #baldmenaresexy.
• If a QVC host asks Emmet what it’s like to be the new guy, take 1 drink and tweet this to him: “You’re doing great! #newguysrockmyshamrocks #ctqvc”
• If it is mentioned that George is from Scotland, take 1 drink of Scotch!
• If Keith gets the giggles, take 2 drinks.
• If an entire segment happens and George never says a word, take 2 drinks then tweet him that we love him.
• If Keith has on something ‘funky’, take 2 drinks and critique away!
• If Neil messes up choreography, take 2 drinks.
• If a QVC host adjusts ties, socks or in any other way touches our boys, take 2 drinks and be jealous.
• If you see Keith roll his eyes when he thinks he’s off camera, take 2 drinks.
• If QVC cuts off the guys mid-song to go to promo, take 3 drinks and throw the glass at the TV.
• If Ryan is wearing something other than black, take 3 drinks.
• If the Connemara marble guy is dressed as the Lucky Charms leprechaun, take 3 drinks and throw a handful of Lucky Charms at your screen.
• If Keith comes out wearing his ruffly STORM pirate shirt and tan pants, take 3 drinks and tweet “HOLY COW @keithharkin! #ineedoxygen #thankyouLord #ctqvc”
• If the guys are wearing those horrid Aran sweaters, drink up… the end is near.
• If one of the guys mentions this Drinking Game on twitter, drink everything in sight. (Note to CT members: the first one to do this will become my new favorite!)

Glee Project Recap: Ep. #10 – Glee-ality

Previously on The Glee Project: The final four Turkeys divided their time between being Drumsticks and mentoring Cutlets. There was a lot of nailbiting and fretting, with each of them saying they wanted to win so bad they would either die or crap themselves trying. (Trying to die, not trying to crap themselves.) Because producers were having a tough time making up their minds, nobody was deemed safe and each of them had to give a Suckster performance. In the end, they were all called back, because as we get near the end the Glee Producers are apparently lacking cut-ability, chop-ability and decis-ability. Kudos to them, however, because they clued us in way back in week one when ShortStack said, “How can they cut any of us? We are SO good!” We should have paid attention.

Yay! I knew they wouldn’t let the season end without another stupid made-up word like “Glee-ality!” Not to mention that in the opening moments we also get a recap of some of the season’s “stand out” moments – PoorMansKatyPerry bullying Little Debbie, Big Momma giving ShortStack attitude, PollyHannah longing for Damian, Bill Gates quitting… this walk down memory lane is like Christmas and my birthday all rolled into one!

The door to the HomeDepotLounge opens up and of course, Big Momma comes in the door first. Only instead of gasping, he and PoorMansKatyPerry start to laugh at what they see on the chalkboard: this week’s homework song is “Don’t Stop Believin’” – a song which has become iconically Glee. It’s also probably supposed to represent their “Journey” along the way, but let’s face it – most of the people who watch the show don’t know who Journey is. Which is sad.

Why is there a box from an old Atari joystick on the table?
This is seriously the most weirdly decorated room ever.

PMKP is glad they “finally” get to do the song, which is just “perfect.” The final four are jumping around excitedly singing the song out of tune. Yikes.  I’m glad to know that excitement trumps excellence for these kids.

We have to endure lots of “believing” tie-ins, (ie “I’ve never stopped believing through this whole competition!”) which I know is done just to torture me, their trusty recapper. I told you weeks ago I can’t type that dang word, Glee people! Stop it!

Ramen Noodle tells us that this is the week it all counts, and he’s ready to fight. Personally, I would have loved to see that. Ramen vs. Big Momma wrestling around in the choir room. Can’t you just imagine? Ramen tells us he’s not about to “back down” this week. PoorMansKatyPerry is talking a lot. What do you want to bet she says more than all three boys combined? *hands Damian a stack of socks*

Big Momma is saying he sees himself as a great character on Glee. Again, I say that yes, I see it too, because you’re already on the show in the forms of Kurt and Mercedes. “There’s nothing that’s gonna stop me from getting this,” he says. Oh really? Does “RYAN MURPHY” mean nothing to you, idiot? He tells us he’s been through “so much” during this competition. So much eyeliner, I guess.

“I want to win,” PMKP says. “And I’m not ashamed to finally just say it.” What has this girl ever been ashamed of? Certainly not of kissing boys unexpectedly or dissing fellow competitors. She reminds us it’s a competition and she’s not afraid to stab her friends/competition in the back to win.  “I will be fine with it.”

The Turkeys try to decipher what “Glee-ality” is. Good luck with that. Ramen cuts through the crap and says, “they want to see who fits on the show. Not who’s good, but who’s Glee.”  Thank goodness there’s a voice of reason.

Damian comes a little close to snarkiness, and I love it. “The four of us are extremely close,” he says, and I think it’s sweet that he’s thinking so highly of his competition. Until he finishes the thought: “…to being on Glee.” Oh Snap!  Then he says in no uncertain terms that he wants this win. “I want to be on Glee, week in and week out. I want to sing. I want to act.”  Notice he doesn’t say that he wants to dance. Heh.

Before they even get to the choir room, PMKP is freaking out about who their guest mentor will be and touching her face and hair.  But then when they ARE in the choir room – in matchy-matchy red outfits, no less – they practically fall out of their chairs trying to get their first glimpse at their mentor.

Very much to their surprise, this week’s guest mentor is Ryan Murphy, who plays “Lord Minion, Ruler of the Land” on Glee.

“Oh, for God’s sake,” Damian says, his spirit sinking a little bit. “If we weren’t nervous before, we’re certainly nervous now.” Just to ratchet up the pressure a bit more, Hairplugs reminds them that this is the final week of the Glee Project and one of the four of them will have won. The other three will be back at their mama’s house, curled in their beds on the fetal position wishing they’d been as awesome as the winner.  Ryan Murphy is practically beside himself grinning at the thought of this.

Hairplugs tells them that their final homework assignment song is one that holds a special place in the hearts of all Gleesters. Ryan points out – and seems impressed – that the Turkeys are all wearing red. Hmm. Better to hide the blood from the catfights and gnashing of teeth, I suppose, if PMKP doesn’t win this challenge.

Ryan tells them they’ve saved the “best for last” and tells them to impress him. The song starts off, and I have to admit I get that little pang in my chest. It’s true – this song is what sold me on Glee from the first episode.

And – be still, my heart – Damian starts off the song, just like Finn did two years ago. And Damo does it BEAUTIFULLY.  Just the right amount of angst and longing and –

“Wait, wait… stop!” Ryan tells them, cutting Damian off.  Good thing Damian has on dark pants, because you know he’s soiling himself right now. Ryan Murphy just cut you off, dude. Be afraid. Even Hairplugs looks scared.

“Did you guys work on choreography or anything?” Ryan asks, sounding disappointed. Obviously not – Ramen Noodle, Big Momma and PoorMansKatyPerry are just standing to the side, with Damian standing in place in the center.  You can see Damian swallow a massive ball of disappointment in dread.

Hilariously, both Ramen and Damian look in Big Momma’s direction, as though Ryan’s disappointment in their lack of movement is all his fault. Heh. That’s what you get for being the self-proclaimed “best,” BM!

Big Momma tries to look innocent as PMKP nervously tells Ryan they worked on choreography, “a little bit, but not much.”

Ryan looks like he’s eaten an entire lemon. “It just seems flat.” PMKP nods, as though she knew it all along, and if only the pesky boys had just listened to her they wouldn’t be so disappointing. Damian – looking quite a bit like Eddie Munster here, if I’m honest – wishes the ground would open and just swallow him alive.

Ryan tells them he thinks they need some help. He turns to bring in the help, and I find myself hoping that it’s my BFF Zach coming in for four hours of floor work, only to be distracted by the HOLY-CRAP-WHAT-THE-HECK? blue sequined skull design on the back of Ryan’s military jacket. Warn a girl next time!

The Turkeys are scared – whether by what’s behind the door Ryan’s opening or the Castle Greyskull imagery, I don’t know. The door opens and it’s Chesty McTitsalot!  They were right to be scared.

She’s immediately followed by Little Debbie, McNoVowels and the other Chopped Turkeys (Turkey Spam?). Damian is the first to scream aloud, and while you might assume it’s with excitement at seeing the Spam, upon multiple watchings I have discerned it’s actually fear.  You’d probably be upset too if those bazongas we’re bouncing directly toward you. (I’ve waited seven weeks to make another boob joke, y’all. Forgive me if I go overboard.)

“I’m back, Glee-otch,” Chesty tells the camera.  “Leave again!” I tell her back.  Then I’m immediately distracted by the monkey/crab manner in which BaldingBryce enters. Ugh. The walk has “skidouche” written all over it, and not in a fun PollyHannah way. And hey, what’s up with the creepy way he embraces PMKP?

We see McNoVowels embrace Ramen (I guess they were friends) and then watch Damian give a massive hug to Bill Gates. Awww. Bill tells us that he was hesitant to come back for the finale and get involved in Glee again, but once he was back he realized how much he actually liked it.  We get a glimpse of PollyHannah wiping away tears of joy, ShortStack using the strength of his four-pack to lift up PMKP (he nearly toppled over, LOL) and unsurprisingly, don’t see MariZzza at all. I swear, the girl is invisible in large groups.

Damian tells us that he’s very excited to see Bill Gates and PollyHannah again. “The threesome’s back together for another while!”

Little Debbie, while not ever really being a bouncing ray of sweetness, how now turned completely bitter, telling us that the Spam are all really jealous of the Turkeys. She lies and tries to convince us she’s happy for all of them, but she’s not at all believable. I would have really loved to hear the rest of the sentence that she didn’t verbalize. “I’m really happy for all of them, except for that witch Lindsay who just sabotaged me and ruined my chances to ever get another kiss, like a legit kiss, ever again. She’s really not as good as she thinks she is. I hate her.”

Okay, so maybe my internal monologue sneaked in there. Just a little bit.

Ryan settles down the entire gang and tells them to begin anew.  The music starts again – oh, there’s MariZzza! Hi! – and lucky for us we get to hear Damo sing the opening lines again. This time there’s a big smile on his face and a spring in his step.

Let’s talk about the changes the Spam have undergone while they’ve been gone, shall we? Bill Gates has decided to grow a beard. And by “beard” I of course mean an unfortunate, skimpy thatch of reddish hair which can barely be seen. ShortStack has chopped off the bangs that covered his eyes and now looks like someone who should be boarding a ShortBus. Wearing a tubetop (a tubetop! Seriously! is it 1984?), MariZzza moonwalks across the grouping.

Damian gives PMKP some really cute looks (no, I’m not jealous at all) as though he finds her precious. She then jumps in to sing the lines of the song that Lea Michele sang, and I find myself oddly thrilled that she’s both rushing the tempo and off-key. Bill Gates and McNoVowels are on guitar at the back of the group.

And if you still think this was actually a surprise gathering of the Spam and the Turkeys, take note right before Ramen starts his lines – Big Momma is doing the choreography with the Spam. I honestly don’t know what surprises me more – that the “reunion” is faked, or that Big Momma is actually participating in the routine.

Ramen sings his line and I have to say he does a really nice job – his tone works well with the song. He’s still doing his “one face” (trademark PMKP) but he’s smiling this time. Does that make it count as a second face?

Big Momma comes up and completely over-sings his part. I’m so done with this kid I can’t even tell you. Ryan Murphy has a big smile on his face – please tell me that’s not actually a grin at Big Momma but instead his joy at the casserole of Turkeys and Spam in general.

The four Turkeys sing the last bit of the song, arm in arm, with massive grins on their faces. Before the music even concludes you can hear Damian say, “that was AWEsome!”

“There you go!” Ryan says. “That was pretty amazing.” He then tells the Spam that it’s great to see them, in the most awesomely bored tone of voice you’ve ever heard. Heh. He has the Turkeys take a seat so that Hairplugs can tell them there’s not going to be a homework winner this week. This surprise isn’t as welcome as the first, by the looks on their faces.

Hairplugs tells that them from this point forward, it’s all about the ultimate winner of the show. They’re told their final group number – Pink’s “Raise Your Glass” – will be filmed on the top of a 35-story skyscraper in L.A.

“Skidoosh! Right on!” PollyHannah blurts out from the back of the room.

We then get treated to a very-obviously-added-later voiceover from Hairplugs, which tells us the final video will play a huge role in Ryan’s decision. Along with their final Suckster performance, of course.

Ryan gives them a couple of hints for the rest of the week. “The key is to be vulnerable and emotional and inspirational.” He tells them to dig inside themselves and figure out what they want to show the Glee folks, and how they want to show it. Please, Lord, let Damian decide to show them something in a nice shade of halleblujah.

Before leaving, Ryan tells them that, for the first time, they get to pick their own Suckster tune.  Ramen looks immediately with surprise at Damian, who has grabbed his head with both hands in relief. No more Jessie’s Girl mishaps for this one! PMKP has barely any reaction at all, but Big Momma calls out to Jesus and is practically in tears.  Big Momma then tells us that if they pick their own song and mess up, then they’ll just look stupid.  Thanks, Big Momma. Super helpful tidbit there.  I could be my usual self, and say that he’ll look stupid regardless, but I’m trying to be nicer this week and will refrain.

*pats self on back*

We move next to the choreography studio with Brooke and my BFF. You’ll never guess who comes in the door first – again – as though he’s the freaking Grand Marshal of Door Openings.  As I froze a frame of the video at that moment to write the previous sentence, I found myself in a bit of amazement that I have never yet noticed the utterly ghastly shade of school bus yellow that adorns this room. I’m actually glad I’ve not paid attention to it before because now it’s literally all I can see in the room. Note to Glee producers: you’re going to need to change that color before next season or we’re going to have to have some words, k? Thanks.

Zach and his shorts-with-old-man-black-socks are overjoyed to see all of the Spam enter behind Big Momma. Little Debbie breaks out of the pack and runs over to jump into Zach’s arms. What? PollyHannah saunters in cautiously, eyeing the floor with trepidation that she’ll have to roll around on it. Chesty McTitsalot bounces into Zach’s arms as well, anxious to “get the groove back on.” She immediately goes into Flirt Mode. (Does she not remember that this same behavior is what got her kicked off? And that it was mostly Zach who complained about it and got her kicked off?)

Zach is telling the Turkeys and Spam that they’re going to be dancing on a helicopter pad that looks like it’s going to be scary. “Maybe that’s the challenge,” he taunts them. PMKP laughs and suggests that pushing people off the platform is how people will be cut from here on out.  If that’s the case, perhaps they should stick close to Chesty McFlotationDevice and grab her before going over the edge. It couldn’t hurt.

“Performing on a helipad will be hella-awkward,” Big Momma tells us. “I’m scared that one of the Spam might push me off.”

A thousand bucks to whoever does. Two thousand if you can pull it off before he makes up more stupid words.

We watch the entire gang learn the dance routine for the shoot, which PollyHannah actually enjoys. She’s having a lot of fun being back.

Zach also seems to enjoy seeing the Spam again. “Who thought we’d end up with these four?” he asks the Spam. Everyone laughs, but Ramen thinks it’s a bit uncomfortable, being around the Spam. “I feel like people are wondering why us. ‘Why are they the top four? What did they do that I didn’t do?’”

Zach calls them all back together before cutting them loose. He gives what’s supposed to be an inspirational final thought, but upon a second watch proves to be something else. “I really want you to still put as much emphasis on this as you would if it were for you. We want to end the season strong.”  That is NOT a positive message. That’s a “don’t sabotage our shoot just because you’re bitter” message, disguised as a rah-rah. I love me some Zach.

Zach then tells them it’s been great to see them all. “Hug me and leave, you sweaty animals,” he says, making a joke before he gets emotional. Thank you, Zach, for the funny moments, good choreography, and for nicknaming these kids Turkeys. I owe you a debt.

We move to the studio with Nookie, who also says she has missed all the Spam. She tells them that her husband Adam, who is the show’s executive music producer, will be sitting in on their recording sessions, since he’s the one the winner will be working with.

Nookie is telling Adam about the Turkeys, and that she hopes the pressure cooker doesn’t get to them. For some reason, Adam and Nookie don’t look like a pair to me. If I saw 100 guys around Nookie and was told to pick out which one was her husband, this guy wouldn’t even be in my Top 50.

PMKP is up first, and she knows it’s time to “pull my guns out and shoot off,” which sounds really… not good.  From the first note she screws up. Going back to the beginning of the season she was shown to be Little Miss Perfect in the studio, but for the last three to four weeks we’ve seen nothing but bad performances, frustrated Nookie and fake tears. Yikes.  Nookie (correctly) tells her husband that PMKP doesn’t like to be told she’s not on pitch. Heh.

“She not as versatile,” Adam says, summing up PMKP perfectly.

“And she has an issue with perfection,” Nookie says, while perched over PMKP’s coffin, hammering in the final nail.

Damian walks in next, and we see him just bring it home. Wrap it up and put a bow on it, this kid is a gift. Nookie is completely thrilled by his performance. With a big grin on his face Damian tells them that he’s having the time of his life.

“You’re making ME have the best time of MY life,” Nookie replies.

With a big grin and several ‘thanks, guys!’ Damian says goodbye and leaves the studio. “Nobody’s that nice in Hollywood!” Adam proclaims.

“But maybe they are in Ireland,” Nookie answers.

Ramen Noodle comes in next. He does a fairly good job, particularly with harmonies, until it gets a bit too high for him. Nookie tells him to try and get more tone into each note.  Nookie is trying hard to coax the best performance she can out of Ramen. It’s not contentious by any means – just two creative people working to create the best output. They seem to respect each other.

But still, Ramen is beginning to doubt himself and so pulls out his Little Engine That Could mantra: “I know I can do this. I know I can.”

He leaves the studio and goes out to where the Turkeys and Spam are waiting. He indicates a couple of places where he struggled and was trying to warn the others (namely Big Momma) to be careful in that spot.

Of course Big Momma doesn’t think he needs any help. “Maybe it’s just you,” the idiot says.

“Thank you, that’s sweet,” Ramen replies bitterly. And I half-expect ShortStack to jump up, sit down next to Ramen, and pat his shoulder consolingly.

“Big Momma is arrogant,” Ramen tells us. “But at this stage, I’m so focused on winning, that, like, screw it. I’m not gonna let Big Momma get me down.”

That’s right, Ramen. Don’t let him rain on your parade.

Big Momma prances into the studio as I realize we never heard what – if anything – Adam had to say about Ramen. Hunh.

Big Momma has a massively fake smile on his face. I think he’s turned “it” on because there’s a new person to impress/fool. I personally think he’s oversinging here, but what do I know.

Adam tells him that he managed to sing one part of the song better than anyone else, and it just so happened to be the same part that Ramen struggled with. Big Momma rings out a note praising himself for his own awesomeness. “For him to say that filled me up with joy and happiness.”

If it wouldn’t hurt my hand so badly, I’d walk over and flick my television screen right in the general area of his forehead.  Repeatedly.

Of course Big Momma knows nothing about being a gracious… well, not winner. He can’t be gracious, and comes back to the waiting area to loudly proclaim to all that he nailed his parts and Nookie practically fell at his feet, crying in gratitude.  Ramen can of course overhear the idiot and it only serves to wig him out further. He thinks the other three are doing better than he is, and that he’s the only one struggling.

The Spam come in to the studio to perform their backup parts and I have to say, I miss the Cutlets from last week. They were far cuter. And possibly taller, now that I see ShortStack and Little Debbie again.

We move to somewhere outside and see Producer Erik welcoming them to their final video shoot. He tells them they’re about to move to the roof , where we see them arrive and get stupidly excited. It’s like week one all over again. It’s just a roof, people.

Hairplugs tells us that the four Turkeys will each get a “standout moment” in the video as they “collect the Spam” and make their way up to the roof. He reminds us that this is the Turkey’s last chance to show the Judge and Jury that they can “pop” on camera and stand out more than the others.

We see random bits of dancing, cameramen walking backwards 35 stories up (no, thank you!), and a helicopter circling around them. PMKP tells us that “L.A. is stunning,” though I don’t know how she can see it past the smog.  She feels on top of the world. “I feel like a member of the Beatles!”  Wow – weird reference.  I can’t even begin to explain why that’s such a bad metaphor.

In one of the moments I see Damian has a dark green button-down shirt and sunglasses, which is very reminiscent of the Firework video back in week one. I don’t know if that was deliberate or not, but well done, producers!

Damian and Bill Gates are dancing together.
Someone protect the women and children.

n one of those moments that you know was totally scripted, Hairplugs reminds Nookie and Zach that Ryan is trying to find someone to cast on Glee?  REALLY?  I HAD NO IDEA!

They then look at the final four and discuss who could be a character who could just step right into Glee. Nookie says that Ramen’s one battle the entire time has been “being stuck in his head,” which could prove to be his downfall. Zach nods his agreement.

Hairplugs reminds us that Damian has come so far and is so lovable. “But is that enough to win the competition?” he asks.

“This is where he and PoorMansKatyPerry are exact opposites,” Zach says. “Damian does have that accessibility. He’s the underdog. Ryan’s note to PMKP is that he can’t find her.”

Nookie continues the thought. “Can she convince Ryan she is believable?” Let’s hope not.

Zach sums up their main concern about Big Momma. “He falls in and out of his professional moments. When some of the others are constantly working on their craft, sometimes we have to bring him back and pull him into focus.”

In summary, Nookie reminds us that at some point along the way, all of the remaining Turkeys have struggled during the group routines. This is their final shot at redemption.

Video time! Grab a beverage and follow along:

• We start with shots of cars moving fast on the freeway. Obviously this footage was not filmed in Los Angeles, where cars rarely actually move on the freeway.
• Ramen, wearing a sweater that was certainly manufactured in 1987, skateboards in and opens the song. He encounters BaldingBryce and MariZzza along the way. MariZzza is not wearing earrings, much to my dismay. Baldy has his hat on, of course.
  
• I love that Bill Gates and PollyHannah were the two Spam with Damian in the elevator. And that after Ramen and his side dishes appear, Damian is still front and center in the elevator. We all know who the star of this scene is, thankyouverymuch.
  
  
• PMKP should not wear colorless colors. They completely wash her out. Why doesn’t anyone listen to me? Well, YOU all do, but you’re not Glee producers. (Unless you ARE Glee producers, in which case, welcome to my humble blog! Read and look around! Know that I’d love to write for you!)
• The Turkeys and Spam look like they’re having a great time dancing around. I bet this was a really fun day for them.
• There’s a continuity problem with the sun, much as we had during the Slushie video shoot. The sun is up, down, up, down, up, down. Heh.
• If you didn’t know better, you’d think Ramen was this winner of this week’s homework, since he gets a couple of “featured moments” – the skateboard at the beginning and now the spoken part.
• For the second half of the song, filmed in the dark, the Turkeys and Spam are much more “glammed out” and made up. Ramen actually looks better here than I think he has the entire season.
  
• Continuing the glam thoughts: MariZzza looks great with lush straight hair. McNoVowels is sporting a mohawk and earrings that look like fishing lures. Chesty has apparently covered her face in every shade of MAC’s entire fall line. PMKP’s makeup looks fantastic and her eyes really pop now that she’s wearing black. Big Momma is sporting a 1970s-esque wooden napkin ring on his final Scarf of Theatricality.
  
• Big Momma is sporting a lot of eyeliner, but at least it’s black not blue. ShortStack is competing with him on this front, and looks like he’s got a black eye.
  
• Holy cow – Damian is actually doing really well at this choreography.
• I like the individual parade of Spam, occurring in the order in which they were chopped. It’s like Survivor with their annual “Tribute to the Fallen”
• The last spin the Turkeys make, Ramen, PMKP and Big Momma turn around toward their left. Damian does the opposite and goes right. Heh. That’s going to have to go into my upcoming “Glee Drinking Game.” (oh, don’t tell me you’re surprised. You knew that was coming…)

Erik calls out that the video is wrapped and you can see a sense of sadness on their faces – it’s the final video they’ll do. Only the winner will do this again.  They gather for a massive group hug, and Ramen tells us that they’ve really become a family. I wonder who qualifies as the crazy drunk Aunt Brenda?

Big Momma tells us that he’s feeling emotional and wants to burst into tears, “but I can’t! It’s time to focus.” Damian tells us he’s so close and that he “done my best in the music shoot,” but go listen to it again – it does NOT sound like he says the word “shoot” at all. It sounds like “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious it.” Heh. He gives PollyHannah a big hug and a kiss on her cheek before everyone leaves the roof (via the stairwell).

We next see the final four Turkeys on stage, waiting for Hairplugs, Zach and Nookie. Just to turn up the pressure switch, Hairplugs tells them that “from 40,000 applications, to 12 Turkeys, through 10 rounds of homework assignments, choreography assignments, rehearsals, vocal recording sessions, video shoots and Suckster performances, it all comes down to the four of you, standing here now.”

It was a nice recap of where we’ve come from, but he forgot a few important things, like 1,600 Slushies in the face, 82 Scarves of Theatricality, 39 bouts of PMKP drama, 22 shots of finger biting, 8 nose hairs plucked at once, 2 stinky filthy dorms, and 1 awkward scene in the Barbie Dream Garage. Good thing I’m here to remind us of the really important things.

Hairplugs reminds them that this week they get to pick their own songs for their final Suckster performance. PoorMansKatyPerry tells them that she’s picked “Gimme Gimme,” from “Thoroughly Modern Millie.” Never heard of it. She tells Hairplugs that the song is very vulnerable at the beginning, which is something Ryan always asks of her.

“As you know at this point,” Nookie says. “You can have the best voice in the world but if you don’t have heart it’s not going to connect.”

Damian has picked “Beyond the Sea” by Bobby Darin. Ooh – really good choice, Damo!  Ryan has told D in the past that he wants Damian as a lively lead male. Obviously he thinks the song will show off those characteristics.

Nookie tells Damian that out of the four Turkeys, “you are not the best singer, dancer or actor.” OUCH. “But that’s okay, because ultimately this is about finding the person the writers want to create a role for.” Is she trying to be helpful and encouraging there? Is she trying to fire him up? I still don’t know what her motive was for saying this. She tells him that his challenge is to show that he can outshine the others.

Ramen tells the Jury that he’s going to sing “Jolene” by Dolly Parton.  I couldn’t have been more surprised if he said he was quitting. Really? I know the song but I’m surprised HE does. I don’t know what to make of this choice.

He then attempts to blow his chance at stardom by saying, “I just want to sing the song. In a way I don’t even want to practice it. I don’t want it to be anywhere near perfect. I want it to be really organic and I want it to be like I’d play it at a coffee shop, and just be in my own little world.” Hmm. Sounds like I’m going to need a soy mocha frappucino and some granola to get through this one.

Zach wisely encourages him that rather than being “in his own little world” that he invite everyone into his world. Great advice, BFF!

Big Momma is singing “I Am Changing” from Dreamgirls. I begin to hope this means he’s going to start being a nice person, but my hopes are shattered. “It goes along with how I want to branch out and do female roles.” Hairplugs suggests that he demonstrate confidence and readiness. Okay, he can probably do that. “And that you’re not a one-note character.” Yeah, he’s pretty much screwed there. He’s not only one-note but someone’s already playing it.

In a final bit of advice, Nookie tells them that “everything you do and say on the stage tonight could make the difference.” And Zach says they all want to see the performance of the Turkeys’ lives tonight.

Hairplugs tells them that “familiar friends from Glee” will also be in the audience along with the Jury. The Spam, Desmond, and other interested folks will also be there. But no pressure or anything.

We see the Turkeys retreat to dressing rooms and begin their prep. Ramen smiles at what awaits him. “Oh, that is a SEXY guitar! Mmm. We’re gonna make out. It’s on!”  Ewww. Just… ewww.

PMKP tells us that she needs to nail her song, showing Ryan who she is in under two minutes. Plenty of time to spare.

Big Momma, in a move that shocks no one, tells us he’s going to do his Suckster performance in drag. “It’s something I hold over the other competitors, that I can change my sex at the drop of a dime!”

Okay, firstly: if this was a drag competition, yes, you would have an edge. But it’s not. Secondly: you can’t change your sex at the drop of a dime. You can change the appearance of your gender. Third: honey, your female persona requires a hefty lunchlady-esque bra and Spanx. That crap takes forever to wiggle into. Plus, you have to factor in sufficient time to pee before you put the Spanx on, because your goal is to avoid peeing during the time you’re wearing it.  I hope you’ve not been drinking a lot of water during your practice time.

If you can’t avoid it, you will still put off peeing as long as possible before you succumb. After standing in line forever , praying there’s still toilet paper left, you will sigh with relief as you pull the offensive garments down down in a dark tiny stall. However, attempting to re-corral the sweaty rolls that joyously sprung free — while not knocking your funnybone on the stall wall –when you’re done is a NIGHTMARE.

You may be able to LOOK like a woman, my friend, but you don’t know what it’s like to BE one.

*puts away soap box*

Ramen tells us that his song choice is all about fighting for something, which is what he’s doing. He knows he’s not the best singer or actor (did Nookie tell him what she told Damian?) but he’s going to fight anyway.

Damian is worried about getting everything right – the idea, the performance, the moves, the mood, the vocals, everything.  He knows that to win he has to put it all out there and leave nothing behind. There are no room for mistakes.

The auditorium is filling up. Hairplugs, Ryan, Desmond and Zach take their  usual seats. All of the Spam are seated a few rows behind them. Sitting in front of the Spam are Nookie, Erik, Coach Bieste, Blaine, Tina, Mike Chang, Lauren Zizes and Karofsky.

First up, sporting the same or nearly identical BaldingBryce hat she wore last week is PMKP. Let’s hope she added some raspberry body spray to keep it fresh. The audience claps wildly in support. You can hear her voice quivers with nerves as she introduces the song.

It’s a very typical musical theater song, in that it’s not a standard melodic tune and it’s all meek at the beginning. During the song the heroine realizes she’s fabulous and worthy and can conquer the world until it ends with glory notes. Only in this version, PMKP doesn’t run off stage at the end then return moments later wearing a new outfit, brimming with confidence.

PollyHannah is smiling very supportively from the audience, and PMKP’s smile at the end – knowing she did really well – is really lovely. The audience gives her a standing ovation.  The Judge and Jury clap as well, as Zach imitates a hyena.  She leaves the stage with no comment or feedback from the Judges, other than the applause.

Zach leans over to Desmond after she’s out of earshot, asking what Desmond thinks of her. “She’s good. She can really sing,” he says helpfully.  Hairplugs and Ryan state this is the best vocal she’s given since the beginning of the competition.

Damian’s up next, and before leaving his dressing room, he takes a moment – several moments – to cross himself. Out of 10 weeks, this is the sixth time he’s singing for Ryan. It’s not been easy, but he’s ready for one last song. He’s fighting not to save himself, but to win.

The audience is still on their feet and hollers appreciation for him as he comes on stage. He’s wearing a black corduroy dinner jacket, a halleblujah v-neck tee (note: remove previous scorn of v-neck shirts), and an untied bow-tie. Probably the closest he’ll ever come to a Scarf of Theatricality. Of course, he’s wearing pants too.

He introduces himself, with his standard, “I’m… *insert dramatic pause* …Damian McGinty” and awesomely says, “…and for my last performance, I’ll be singing…” as though all along he’d planned a set of six songs, and it just so happened to take 10 weeks to get them all in. He dedicates his performance to PollyHannah and Bill Gates, which elicits sighs and “ohhh’s” from the audience.  PollyHannah has a massive smile on her face as Damian fires up the band with a “Let’s go boys!”

The timbre of his voice ROCKS, and the eyebrows are going from the word go. I think my favorite part of this performance is the audience reaction. Lauren has her hand over her heart as if watching this is too precious for words. Coach Bieste (and McNoVowels behind her) is eating this up. Nookie is appreciative of his attempts and dance moves. Event Ryan and Hairplugs are smiling.

Damian is so comfortable on the stage, but he’s also comfortable with himself. I’m reminded of what he was told by Ryan during his very first Suckster performance: “You have to sell it. Even if you suck, part of the joy is seeing that you know it’s not your forte but you’re embracing the spirit of it.” Damian – and the rest of the audience – couldn’t care less that he can’t dance well. He’s living in the moment, embracing what he is good at and forgiving of his mistakes, so we are too. It’s a fantastic performance.

I feel like I’m watching my baby bird leave the nest for the first time.

The audience is moved to clap before he even finishes. He ends the song, pushing the mic stand out to the side and looking down to the other. Nicely done, Damo!

Bill Gates holds up a water bottle in support as Damian runs joyfully offstage. Desmond turns to the other Judges and says “He’s like a little grown-up. Like a little man!”  Hairplugs agrees. “He is! He’s like an old soul.”  Ryan says that he really likes D’s youthfulness.

Next up is Ramen, who knows that it’s “do or die.” He’s ready to bear his soul, and he hopes Jolene does that for him. It’s just him and his guitar, and he seems to have the audience enrapt – people are nodding along as though they’re under a spell. The acoustic style and the range of the song work really well for him. You’re expecting Mr. Hard Rocker, but this is softer and more emo. If he wasn’t wearing Pajama Jean Jeggings, I’d be 100% in love with this.

Ryan and Hairplugs comment that they love the song. Desmond says he thought it was great, and Zach, whose actions suggest he has imbibed three strawberry margaritas before arrival, says it was “f-beep-ing incredible.”

Big Momma is checking his makeup, wig and the dollar-store flower contained therein before he leaves his dressing room. He’s nervous that Ryan will be more interested in seeing “Big Momma” than his “Drag Character.”

He walks out to the Spam’s applause. Zizes has shock on her face, and Desmond is laughing. He’s turned his head away as if he’s too scared to look it in the eye. Producer Erik has his hands over his mouth, and I find myself wondering if it’s horror, shock or embarrassment.

He tells everyone his name is Big Momma – “No, really! It’s me!” – and gives his song choice. He starts and again, everyone seems mesmerized. He hits the first of many glory notes and in the audience, Tina practically lays down her role on the show in surrender. Zach is on the edge of his seat with his hands clasped tightly under his chin, as if he’s praying on Christmas Eve.

We see a quick reaction shot of ShortStack, whose face seems to say, “I could totally do that. He’s not that special.” Heh.

He finishes and is so overcome with his own performance he immediately has to put one hand on the mic, another on his hip and take a deep breath. Zach’s combined applause-laughter is seriously loud. Nookie looks at Erik and says, “that was crazy, wasn’t it?”

Everyone is apparently both shocked and impressed by Big Momma. “Oh, that was amazing,” Desmond says.

Ryan immediately turns back to where the Spam and Glee Cast Mentors are sitting, asking them what they think. Zizes says it’s hard to pick, because “they’re all so likeable and adorable and great.”  Coach Beiste agrees. “Big Momma was incredible, Ramen was great. PMKP’s voice is incredible too.”

“PMKP would be such a wonderful foil to Rachel,” Blaine says. Mike Chang thinks that Ramen is just a cool character and could give Puck a run for his money.” Karofsky thought that Big Momma’s drag queen epitomizes Glee and represents a whole group of people who are never represented on TV.

Nookie is pushing for Damian – YES!  She thinks he embodies the underdog quality but he’s magnetic in a way that everyone has responded to. Not to mention he’s, oh, nice, and cute, and charming and cute, and has a great accent. Oh, and he’s cute too.

Ryan asks Producer Erik which of the four is the best actor. It’s PMKP, of course – we’ve been told repeatedly she’s the best actor of them all. Whatever Erik needed, she could deliver. Nookie can’t help but agree. You can tell she doesn’t want to, but she does.

Back in the dressing room, the Turkeys are waiting, not saying much. What is there to say? “I did great and I hope I beat you.” ??

Zach tells all of the audience members to leave so they can make a decision, but they’ll bring them back in for the winner announcement. Once Zach, Hairplugs, Desmond and Ryan are alone, Zach tells them that he and Hairplugs have done what they can over the 10 weeks to bring them the best, but now it’s up to them to decide.

Zach points out that yes, Damian can be a foreign exchange student, but he can be brought in and groomed into a leadership role.  Hairplugs says that one of the things Ramen has going for himself is that there’s nobody like him on television – not just on Glee.

Zach reminds everyone that no one can deny PMKP’s powerful voice and acting ability. Ryan pipes up, saying he thought tonight was her best performance. “The thing I wanted her to do, that we said week after week, she finally did.”

Hairplugs says that Big Momma is “good or great always, but when he’s in drag, he’s really something special.” Desmond says how brave it is, to do what he did tonight.  “Whenever he came out, I was fascinated by him,” Ryan says, clueing us into why the butthead is still here.

Desmond points to the stage, saying “This really affirmed it for me.”  What did? Their performances? Gah! Tell me! “I know exactly who would fit and who I’d be most excited about writing to.”

Ryan says that it’s been difficult but the decision is now made. It’s a good thing. Fully half of our remaining Turkeys are finger-chewers and if they don’t get told soon, they’re going to have nothing but nubs left.

When we come back from commercial, the four Turkeys are standing in a row, as though they’ve lined up before a firing squad. There’s about six feet between each person.

Ryan tells the Turkeys they’ve spent a lot of time during the past week, thinking about this decision. It’s not been easy and there have been a lot of arguments, because “it’s not about any of your individual talents. It’s about the needs of the show.”

Ryan tells PoorMansKatyPerry that he knows he’s been hard on her but tonight she really brought it. He tells her that she came the farthest for him during the competition, and that she’s just pure “light.”  On a related note, something inside Little Debbie’s chest dies.

Damian, who looks so serious and as though he’s concentrating very hard, is told he was the “whipping boy” of the competition. No kidding.  But Damian has impressed them every week. No matter what they asked of him, “you did it with a smile on your face, with a great amount of humility. You got better every single week.”

Ryan tells Ramen Noodle that he’s always fascinated him. Ramen is both wholesome and dark at the same time. His intense, indie-rock spirit is missing from the show.

Big Momma is told that during the competition, Ryan was most moved by BM, who most of all sums up what Glee is about. “I really believe that you have a great future ahead of you. But that being said, I have to tell you, you’re not the winner of the Glee Project.”

Oh my.

Do my ears deceive me? Has my most ardent wish finally come true?

Damian and PMKP both look over at BM, with the shock of the abrupt dismissal clear on their faces. That can only mean….

IT’S TRUE! IT’S TRUE!

BIG MOMMA WILL NOT BE ON GLEE! HALLE-FREAKIN-LU-JAH, LORD ALMIGHTY BE PRAISED.  My prayers have been answered.

Now if only–

“PMKP, you’re not the winner of the Glee Project!”

THUD. I have hit the floor, and it hits me that Miss Raspberry Beret is going home, never to be seen on my screen again. Is it my birthday? Have I won an Oscar? Seriously – what have I done to deserve this onslaught of awesomeness in my life?

I need to go buy a lottery ticket, like, this minute.

Damian and Sam, the only two Turkeys still standing, look to one another with horror, hope, shock and a wee bit of fear. If looks could speak, this would say, “What the F is going on here?”

“So we have you two,” Ryan says to D and Ramen. “It’s very interesting between the two of you. I’ve talked to the kids on the Glee sets, and undeniably it was always the same reaction. ‘We have to have Damian in this room. Damian is so fun. We love him.’ You are by far the crowd favorite.”

I could have told them that. As could PollyHannah, who is in the audience, fidgeting and nervous for her wannabe-boyfriend.

But Ryan’s not done praising Damian. “Your optimism, your smile, was very infectious to this group of people.”  Oh, well ,if there’s an infection going around, I say we blame PMKP.

“And Ramen, the thing that I heard about you time and time again was ‘Ramen is a star. Ramen has the It Factor.’ Whatever the It Factor is.”

He tells them it was a very difficult decision for them all. “But that being said, Ramen, you have won the Glee Project.” Ramen immediately puts his hands to his mouth, in shock, then stares out at Ryan in disbelief. The audience jumps up, screaming out applause, and you can see disappointment on Damian’s face.

That doesn’t stop D, though, from clapping, and walking to Ramen and giving him a massive hug. PMKP seems genuinely pleased for Ramen as well, who by now is jumping up and down. Bitter Big Momma is standing off to the side.

When there’s a gap in the celebration, Ryan tries to get Damian’s attention. “You know Damian,” he says. “I think it’s so hard. You’re so special.”

Damian puts aside his sadness and disappointment to say that he’s delighted for Ramen. “It’s hard getting so close, but Ramen deserves it…”

Class act, Mr. McGinty. Class. Act.

“Well you know, the thing that I want to tell you is that you have also won the Glee Project!”

I don’t know how the next five seconds could bring anything but a smile to your face. The dropped jaw, the backwards stagger, the shrieking and jumping and near decapitation by the piano lid – it’s so much fun to watch!!

PMKP is jumping as well, as though she couldn’t be happier for her friends, and it makes me like her a little bit more now. Just a little bit. BM is still standing off by himself having a pity party over in Turdville.

“Me and Ramen have won the Glee Project!” Damian says. “I am lost for words.”

I find myself overjoyed to see Blaine jumping up and down at the news, and Coach Beiste has her hands clasped together like she can’t believe her good fortune.

Ryan just wants to make sure everyone’s clear on what’s happened. “You have both won seven episode arcs on Glee. You’re gonna be in the choir room with this group of kids. I think you’re both fantastic. Congratulations.”  In the audience, PollyHannah is brushing away tears of joy.

“I’m on Glee,” Ramen says, trying to convince himself as much as the rest of us. “My dream just completely came true.” Damian and Sam keep hugging, which is really cute.

Ryan wants to talk to BM and PMKP. “It was such a hard decision, I have to say. But you’re both phenomenal, so you get something too.” Here PoorMansKatyPerry does a great impression of “Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” That, or she’s impersonating Ramen’s OneFace, which I can’t help but remind her just won him seven episodes on Glee.

Ryan thinks PMKP and Big Momma are such good actors that they’re each being given two-episode arcs each. PMKP puts her hands to her mouth, the tears already coming to her eyes. Big Momma does a classic “Big Woman About To Faint In Church” move before beginning to cry in Damian’s arms. Ramen has picked up PMKP, as happy for her as she was for him.

Get a room. And some less-tight pants. Seriously.

“Did we all just win, a little bit?” Yes you did. Which I have to point out is going to create some serious difficulty in convincing The Glee Project Season Two contenders that only one will win. But whatever. Let’s not worry about that now.

Instead, let’s shoot off confetti and all jump around! Ramen is thanking everyone he knows for supporting him in reaching his dream.

Damian, who hilariously appears confused by confetti, tells us that he’s proved a lot to himself. “The underdog CAN win. The little guy from Ireland CAN travel 5,000 miles by himself and win a worldwide competition. I can’t believe this. My life is incredible!”

Yes it is, dearest.  As are you.  Congratulations.

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image courtesy Tumblr

Glee Project Episode #10 – Comment Post

Putting a comment post up so you can rant, rave, comment, gab, etc., after the episode airs and our winner is announced. Please note that if Big Momma wins, this blog will self-destruct and be shrouded in a Scarf of Theatricality for burial.

Glee Project Recap: Episode #9 – Generosity

Previously on the Glee Project: The Five Remaining Turkeys tried to be believable by pining for each other. PollyHannah did an admirable job pretending to long after Big Momma, which couldn’t have been easy. Big Momma channeled his inner longing for a father figure and actually gave a good performance pretending to care for Damian. Damian kept his eyebrows – and nose hairs, come to think of it – under control while pretending to want PoorMansKatyPerry. PMKP faked several outbursts and couldn’t convince Nookie or anyone else that she’s not a robot. Ramen had a problem being vulnerable but no problem at all reeking of desperation as he fought to stay another week. In what was the saddest and most shocking elimination yet, the lovely PollyHannah was sent packing.

Gasp! There are no gasps this week as the four Turkeys enter the HomeDepotLounge. And in a nod to this week’s theme of “Generosity”, Big Momma allows someone else to enter first. How sweet.

Upon seeing the theme, PoorMansKatyPerry lets out a sigh. She knows this is going to be tough for her. She never met a spotlight she wanted to share. Interestingly, Damo sees the theme and quietly says, “Good!”

Of course you could barely hear this because Big Momma was howling some horribly awful - I mean, seriously bad – version of “Lean on Me!” We haven’t heard off-key shrieking like this since ShortStack left several weeks ago.

“I don’t know who I lean on anymore,” Big Momma says. “I used to lean on Hannah and now that things are so close to the end I want this more than I could say.”

Wait… what? 

“I really like to eat pancakes but now I drive a Toyota.”  See, Big Momma, I can do it too. However, I’ve decided not to follow your lead, so I’m going to try and make sense this week.

PMKP asks the Boy Turkeys what they think the mentors are going to want. I know what I want, and it involves you, Big Momma and two tickets on a slow Greyhound with a stinky clogged toilet. Ramen pipes in and gives his own theory, which is that the producers want to see how they can complement each other. “Like, as opposed to trying to own something.” I shudder to think about the state of our educational system.

Big Momma suggests they display this week’s theme by having one Turkey sing while the other Turkeys “generously” back them up. Unsurprisingly, everyone thinks this is a great idea.

Ramen reminds us that there’s a lot on the line – one person leaves this week and next week is finals. He doesn’t believe the other Turkeys could possibly want this more than he does. “It consumes me every single day how much I want this.”

Oh, contraire, mon frere. Damo tells us that at the beginning he never even thought about actually winning this. He was more focused on not crapping himself.  But now he’s “got fire in his belly.”

So perhaps he’s still focused on not crapping himself.

Next up on the “I Really Want This” train is PMKP, reminds us that while Sucking last week, Judge Ryan told her to stop being who everyone wants her to be, and just be who she is. She’s realized she doesn’t know who she is, and that she needs to figure that out first.

Honey, if you’re still struggling with this problem, hit me up on Twitter. I have some choice ideas for you.

We move into the Choir Room and are leaning far in our chairs to see who our mentor is. Damian has moved to the back row next to Sam, after eight weeks of being in the front of the class. I don’t know if that’s a promotion or a demotion.

PMKP shrieks and puts her hands to her face, which means it’s a male member of the cast. The other Turkeys are also excited, particularly Ramen, to see that it’s Kevin McHale, who plays the wheelchair-bound Artie. I love Artie!

During an introduction by Hairplugs, Ramen is telling us that he thinks Kevin is amazing, and that Artie is one of his favorite Glee characters.

Kevin tells us that the theme Generosity comes into play on the show because the actors are like a family, a cocoon of love and trust. No, not really. The cast is a support system, going through tough times and long days together. The cast has to really lean upon one another, hence the homework performing Bill Withers song, “Lean On Me.”

*Tamitra goes to every previous recap and hits ‘copy’/'paste’* The winner of this week’s Homework assignment will get a featured moment in this week’s video and some one-on-one time with the mentor.

Except this week, Kevin tells us there’s also a bonus prize: “My magic comb! The comb I gave to Brittany!” (Note to my mom: I’ll explain this comment to you over the phone. Everyone else probably knows the story behind it so I won’t type it here. Love you Mom!) PMKP gasps with glee – she really wants this comb.  And Lord knows, I want her to get it. Maybe then she’ll stop with the side ponytails.

The four Turkeys move to the back of the stage area and prepare to sing. Only we’re not looking at four equal Turkeys – we’ve got one Turkey and three Drumsticks. The first Turkey in the glare of the heat lamp is Ramen, who does a nice job. The verse of the song suits his voice pretty well.

Ramen moves back to the Drumline and Damian steps up to sing the lead in the chorus. I think he did a nice job as well. His eyebrows were dancing their little hearts out.

The sole remaining Turkette, PoorMansKatyPerry, steps up to belt out the bridge. She’s smiling, and she keeps looking back at the Drumsticks as though she’s sharing her spotlight with them, but really, all it does is attempt to reinforce that she’s the star of this show.  There are some nice harmonies going on in the background here – well done, Drumsticks! And, though it pains me a bit to say it, *mumbling* well done, PMKP.

But oh, Lordy. Big Momma has stepped up to take us home, wailin’ and hollerin’. It’s full-on Turkey Church, y’all. The spirit was a-movin’ Big Momma. I am a bit surprised to note that the Drumsticks aren’t actually wearing choir robes, nor has Big Momma donned a fabulous wide-brimmed hat.  I feel like I should be fanning myself with a crumpled white paper.  He ends with a Mercedes-esque glory note, which, will not breaking glass, certainly breaks my spirit.

Even Kevin doesn’t know how to react. “He went for it,” Kevin says to Hairplugs.  Not, “He nailed it!”  Not, “He really went after it!” But, “he went for it.”  His tone of voice is kind of bored, like saying, “we need eggs.”  (My everlasting love and a big shout out to the first person who identifies that TV reference.)

Kevin tells Ramen that he wasn’t really connecting at first, but seemed to get it as they went along. He tells Big Momma that if he were to close his eyes, he could feel every single word that Big Momma was singing. Unfortch, it’s not always portrayed physically. In other words, Kevin could hear the wide-brimmed hat, but couldn’t see it. *Tamitra nods in agreement*

PMKP is told that she was “completely into it” and gave so much back through her soulful interpretation. Lastly, Kevin tells Damian that his smiles were great and he was really connecting with whoever is singing, even when he was a Drumstick. (That comes from being part of a singing group, methinks.)

When Kevin mentions he would like to have a “four-way tie” I hear the tinkling strains of foreshadowing music. What on Earth could that mean? But he goes on to pick PoorMansKatyPerry, saying again that her voice was amazing. She’s totally excited by both the win and the Magic Comb. She really needs it too – her hair looks like crap here.

She’s “over the moon” that she “did something right.”  She didn’t try to be perfect, “but I WAS!” However, upon rewinding several times, I’m not hearing him tell her she was perfect. I guess she heard what she wanted to hear.

Kevin tells them they’re going to be doing “Sing” by My Chemical Romance in this week’s video. However, they’re not only going to sing – they’re going to play musical instruments.

Hilariously, after weeks upon weeks of gasps and intense over-excitement about everything, this pronouncement leads only to shrugging shoulders and grimaces.  When Kevin asks how many of them do play instruments, only Ramen raises his hand (drums, guitar, bass, piano).

“I don’t either,” Kevin says, “but Artie does.” I think back to watching him “play” on Glee and I gotta say I didn’t know he was faking it. Kevin then ‘fesses up that he lied during his original audition and told Hairplugs he COULD play. “So if I was to ask you again how many of you actually play instruments…?”  And four hands quickly shoot into the air, accompanied by smiling faces proclaiming only light and innocence.

Awesome. I love me some Kevin.

In a voiceover, Damo tells us that this week is gonna be crazy. “If I get guitar I’ll be fine because that’s pretty easy to fake. If I get drums, it’s gonna be a shambles.”

You know what that’s gonna mean.

Kevin tells them there’s one more twist to the week. “In the spirit of generosity, each of you will share your performance with a special guest.” The Turkeys are intrigued.

Before we leave the choir room, Hairplugs has to remind us that this is the last stop before Finals and one of them is going to flunk out first. Way to be a Debbie Downer there, Hairplugs.

Someone used too much self-tanner on their face and not enough on their arms or back of their neck. Yikes!

Our next stop is the choir room where half of the space is taken by a “band stage”. Big Momma tells us that the “massive pile of instruments is intimidated.” I think someone meant to say intimidating. Heh.

My BFF tells them that he’s going to assign them each to an instrument and then watch them to see how well they get along. You know he’s not going to be easy on them, and that he’s probably going to enjoy telling them they look like crap. In other words, this is Zach’s Best. Day. Ever.

Ramen is assigned to the keyboards. “Drums…,” Zach says, looking over D, Big Momma and PMKP. Damian makes the classic rookie mistake of barely shaking his head no, so of course he gets assigned to them. Zach is cracking up at his own pick, exactly as I would. If there’s anything Zach has learned about D in the last eight weeks it’s that assigning him to keep the beat for us is going to be wickedly fun to watch.

Damian knows it too. “I’m not shocked at all,” he says with a laugh. “They know that this has the potential to be an absolute train crash.” Zach wants to see what Damian’s”fancy feet” can do to the drums.

Big Momma is assigned the bass, and he has no idea what that is. “It’s the red thing,” Zach says, pointing at a guitar stand. Heh. PMKP is assigned lead guitar. “I’m nervous because the guitar is kind of a beast of an instrument,” PMKP says, and I’m proud of her for being humble.

Until she continues. “But at the same time, I’m kind of a beast of a performer!”

I’ve heard that PMKP is unhappy with the “villain edit” she’s received on this show, but honey: if you don’t say it, they can’t show it.

On the plus side, she’s trying to figure out who she is, and I think “beastly” is the right direction. Keep going there, honey.

Zach turns the music on and… oh my. I haven’t seen this bad a performance since Little Debbie left. This isn’t performing, or acting or even lip-synching. It’s just…

“Yikes!” Zach says, turning off the music and putting a stop to the horror. Thank you. They all have a quick laugh about their obvious suckage.

“Did you laugh?” PMKP asks Zach. “Because I laughed.”

“Uh, it was more painful than funny,” Zach replies, and I love Zach for that. He then tells us the Turkeys are having a “great time banging around on this instruments” but that he wants them to start taking it a bit more seriously.

Big Momma says something about how close he is to the top three, and he’s not going to let the bass get in his way, but I’m struck anew that this guy has a 25% chance of winning and being on Glee, so I can’t focus on what he’s saying. Please dear Lord, don’t let it happen, k? Thanks.

We move next to the studio with Nookie, who reminds them they have some special music partners this week. BM is convinced their partners will either be current Glee cast members or a fallen contender. He’s totally not expecting the adorable little munchkins who walk into the studio.

PMKP says her “jaw dropped’ at seeing they are miniature versions of the four contenders. Nookie tells us that the kids are part of a group called “Education Through Music Los Angeles”  and that they’re from disadvantaged schools which have had to cut music programs. Poor kids.

Nookie tells them that each Turkey is going to be paired up with one of the Cutlets. Ramen is assigned Alexander, and adorable little boy with dark curls. Ramen looks enthused but Alexander looks a bit freaked out by the noodles coming out of Ramen’s head.

PMKP is paired with Lily, who she immediately hugs and calls “amazing.” PMKP seems really into this assignment.  Big Momma is paired with Allegria, whom he immediately terrifies by screaming a loud, “come here girl!” at. Allegria looks over at Nookie, hoping to be reassigned, but to no avail.

Damian is assigned Liam, who looks like one of those kids that’s just never ruffled by anything. He shakes Damo’s hand, then they do one of those fist pump/punch things like they’ve been doing it for years. Damo is immensely relieved at having gotten Liam as his Cutlet.

Nookie tells the pairs to take a moment to get to know one another before they record. Big Momma is obviously very uncomfortable with his Cutlet, whereas Ramen seems to dig the big brother bit, which he tells us he’s always wanted to be. Ramen is bonding with his Cutlet by talking about music, the one thing they obviously have in common.

“There’s no way to do music wrong,” Ramen tells him, obviously forgetting about Big Momma’s forays into drag. Ramen’s Cutlet sounds very adult as he speaks to Ramen: “My way of liking music isn’t the same as other people’s way of liking music.” I love this little kid.

While sitting in an industrial kitchen with a giant green barbecue grill as a backdrop, Damian bonds with his Cutlet by asking what kind of music he likes. “Mostly rock, like classic rock,” Liam replies. “I play piano, guitar, and drums and-” but Damian stops him. “You play drums?” You can practically hear the relief in his voice.  While telling us that Liam blows him away, we watch as Damian receives a drum lesson using kitchen utensils.

This kid is a miracle worker, because not only is Damo matching his moves from the beginning but D is actually on the beat. “Ahh, I love ya, Liam!” D says.  “You’re a genius! God sent you from heaven to help me!” That is utterly awesome.

PMKP is seated on the floor with her Cutlet Lily, and I’m surprised they’re not already braiding one another’s hair. Lily has apparently done plays, including playing Wendy in Peter Pan. PMKP clasps Lily’s hands and tells the girl that SHE had played Wendy in Peter Pan too!  “Lilly is very much like me in the sense that she’s a really smart girl. And she’s REALLY talented. She’s a mini me.”

Oh, PMKP. The second I start to see you in a good light you have a way of just reminding me of how full of yourself you are. Thank you for keeping me on the right path – derision, scorn and mockery.

We move to the piano bench where Big Momma is having a really stilted conversation (if you can call it that) with his Cutlet. “What’s your favorite color? … Do you sing a lot? … Hmm. What other things?  Hmm. What else? Ask me a question.” Awkward silences ensue. Big Momma seems to put the blame on her, telling us that she’s shy and a little nervous. “… *sigh*… what else, what else, what else…?”

Thankfully we don’t have to watch any more and just move into the studio. Big Momma is singing lower than we’ve ever heard him – it sounds like a boy is singing! Damian sounds strong and confident, and Nookie tells him he’s becoming a rock god.

“I don’t even know what to think about Damian any more,” Nookie says. “Who is this person, and where did he come from?”

PMKP is up next and is told her first take is too controlled, and she follows it by just absolutely losing the rhythm, quality and by sounding like crap. It’s probably very telling about me to realize how much I enjoy watching her do poorly in the studio. I think it goes back to that week (second or third?) when she bragged about how good she always did and that Nookie loved her the best because she always nailed it.

Ramen is also struggling in the studio, trying to hit the higher harmonies. He’s trying to belt out notes a bit higher than he normally does and he doesn’t like showing weakness. “If I can’t do it, mentally I just make myself do it,” he says, making no sense whatsoever.

We finally get to see all four Turkeys and the four Cutlets in the studio, and they’re just absolutely precious – particularly Alexander, Ramen’s Cutlet. I want to eat him up. They’re off key and off beat in that great way that kids are, and Nookie is really supportive of them. “Those kids wore me out!”

As this recap is doing to me. Time to go grab a diet Coke and gear up for second half.

I come back, well-hydrated, to see the four Turkeys sitting in directors chairs getting made up, Producer Erik giving the weekly pep talk, and then the Turkeys leading the Cutlets onto the stage for the video. Hairplugs tells us they’re looking for the Turkeys to “help their little co-stars perform the best they can.”  The Turkeys now get the chance to be mentors to someone else.

Speaking of mentors, cue the flashback to PoorMansKatyPerry having her one-on-one time with Kevin. He (who has already told us he doesn’t play) is showing PMKP how to fake-play the guitar. It’s like the blind leading the blind, or in this case, the wheelchair-bound leading the seriously lame. Ba-dum-da!

You want to know what else is lame? The shredded jean cut-offs and absolutely horrid hosiery choices she has made. If she by chance rips this win out of Damian’s hands, the only upside here is that the next time we see her, she’ll be dressed by someone else. And we can hope that a struggling Hollywood stylist is looking for some pro bono work and takes her under their wing, because this girl needs some big-time help.

Apparently her time with Kevin has given her motivation to do even better than ever before, because all she wants is to make the top three.

Speaking of three, PMKP is about three feet away from the microphone as she “sings” her lines during the shoot, because she keeps pulling back to look down at her hands on the strings. My BFF Zach notices this too. “She’s missing a lot of her vocals. For a lot of her high notes she’s not even near the microphone. She’s forgetting like the basic, basic thing.” Bathing? Oh, sorry. You meant singing.

I don’t know why but I see this girl as one of those who thinks she can get by with showering and washing her hair every third day, as long as she has some kind of “body spray” from Bath and Body Works at her disposal. I have no reason for this, but that’s what I think.

I’m a horrible person.

Up next is Damian, who rather than mentoring Liam is being mentored by his little Cutlet. Liam and Damian are dressed alike in hoodies, which is awesome. The only fault we hear The Jury point out is that Damo is O-VER-PRO-NOUN-CING and doing too much with his face, which makes it obvious that he’s lip-syncing. I have to agree – it’s a bit much. Nookie thinks he looks like he’s in pain.

Which may the be the case, come to think of it. The fans blowing around PMKP’s hair are probably blowing a little too much Sun-Kissed Raspberry body spray in his general direction.

Big Momma and his little Cutlet aren’t doing well. They’re just… awkward, and I’m not just talking about the way BM holds his bass guitar. It’s like we’re watching a blind date where the guy is only half into it and the girl is texting her roommate under the table saying “CALL ME W/ A EMERGENCY RT NOW. MAKE SOMETHING UP. SAVE ME PLZ!!!!”

Nookie is pointing out to The Jury that Big Momma is apparently not that comfortable dealing with kids as the other Turkeys, and he didn’t try to work out “moves” with his Cutlet the way the others did. Well, maybe he tried and they just got into a really big argument over who was going to wear the hot pink platform boots and it’s been Ice City ever since. You think?

Ramen’s Cutlet Alexander is loving this. He’s offering suggestions to Erik and Ramen about what he could do in the video. It’s adorable, but be careful Alexander – BaldingBryce tried that his first week and look what happened THERE. However, you’re far cuter and have more hair than Bryce, so I think you’ll be okay.

Ramen’s feeling good about the shoot, knowing that it’s less about them and more about making sure their Cutlet looks good on camera. Which is all well and good until his performance reminds Nookie of a two year old banging on a piano. “Remember you have to play in time,” she reminds Ramen.  He flat out tells us that he’d be a sucky keyboard player for a band because he’d more concerned with looking cool than with actually doing his job.  Well, he wasn’t that blunt with it, but that was the gist. Are you listening, Glee Jury? What’s going to happen when he gets on set at Glee?

Before we get to see the video, Nookie tells us that they’re going to be looking to see what generosity means to the Turkeys. This week’s video is “bringing some interesting things to light.”

It’s video time! You know that means! (Follow along and be snarky!)

• A van pulls up with the Turkeys and Cutlets ready for their gig. Am I the only one who was trying to glimpse the camera crew in the shiny bumper of the car? Yes? Oh…
• PMKP and her cutlet have matching hot pink ribbons in their hair. Hmm. If I’d seen those earlier I’d have made a joke about the Barbie Dream Van or something.
• Big Momma’s “low” voice is interesting and actually sounds decent. If he’d sung like this earlier, I might actually — no, let’s not go that far. He’s still a jerk most of the time.
• Damian is oversinging, but he and Liam sound great together. Well done on the harmonies, boys!
• The performance is intercut with scenes of each Turkey mentoring their Cutlet – placing fingers on the guitar strings, showing the right keys on the piano, holding drumsticks, dramatically tying a scarf…
• Did anyone else notice the weird moment when Ramen and his Cutlet appear to be testing each other’s forehead temperature? What the heck?
• The little moment of Ramen’s cutlet doing a Stevie Wonder impression makes me want to adopt him. And a puppy. At the same time.
  
• I love that PMKP’s Cutlet gets the shot during the guitar solo. What do you want to bet she’s more convincing than PMKP was?
• The dance moves don’t look bad. I guess when you put Damian in a group that contains four ten-year-olds, the overall expectation is lowered and he looks better. Yay!
• In the spot where the line is “the ones who want to get away” look at the millisecond of Damian where he makes a face because he’s screwed up somehow. Heh.
  
• Ramen and his Cutlet have choreographed a moment covering their ears, for the line “sing it for the deaf”, which is very cute.  Then for “sing it out for the ones you’ve left behind,” Big Momma picks his girl up and swings her around like a two-year-old. It oogs me out a bit, not to mention I’ve spent entirely too much time just now trying to figure out if there was deeper meaning there. Since it’s BM, I’m going to guess there wasn’t.
• I have to say PMKP can sing the rock stuff pretty well – the “belting” quality of her voice works for this kind of song. (Confession: I started to type “bleating” there and I had to laugh at myself)
• Based on the surprise and enthusiasm when Erik tells them that’s a wrap, I’m guessing this was a quicker shoot than normal. Probably due to child labor laws or something.

When we return from commercial, we’re in the stinky Boys Dorm, and they’re talking about this being the last elimination before the finale. Damian just wants to “experience next week” and Ramen just wants to make it through, preferably not being a Suckster.  He feels that the difference between going through and being a Suckster is going to be the “littlest thing” this week. Big Momma says that if he’s a sucker he’s going to give the performance of his life.

Whatever.

We move to the stage, which like the choir room, looks very empty with just four Turkeys remaining.  Hairplugs tells them that this week’s decision was “who are we going to guarantee a spot in final three” and “who do we want to send before Ryan AGAIN in the hopes of getting them out of our faces.”

PMKP is told that she was concentrating on her fake playing and not focusing enough on her fake singing. Damo was told that when he gets excited his face gets a little too “big.”

And I’m ashamed to say my mind just went to a dirty place.

Ramen is told his problem was struggling in the studio when he didn’t want to look like a dork. And Zach tells Big Momma that he was the only Turkey who didn’t put any fun bits into his performance with his Cutlet. In other words, his gravy was dry. Zach tells him he could have done more as a mentor.

Hairplugs tells them that they spent a long time trying to decide who they’d automatically put through to the final three. But just as they finally reached a decision (and damn them for not telling us who it was!), they heard from Ryan. Ryan, it seems, wants to watch the Turkeys with Ian Brennan, his co-creator and co-writer, to get his opinion and feedback.

“This is a HUGE deal, guys,” Hairplugs tells them. Since Ian hasn’t seen any of them, all four will give Suckster performances. And Hairplugs and Zach won’t be there fighting for their favorites. In other words, the Jury’s been dismissed and we’re moving to a panel of Judges. No one is safe.

Before hearing their song selections, they’re told that Ryan has picked/approved their songs personally.  PMKP will sing “Defying Gravity,” which I think both thrills and scares her. Big Momma will perform the gospel standard, “His Eye is on the Sparrow.” BM gives a “Hallelujah!” in reply.  Damo gets a Sammy Davis tune, “I Gotta Be Me” and he says “happy days!” at the selection. I don’t think he knows it, given his reaction, but he was told it’s a swing tune, so he feels confident.  Lastly, Ramen gets “My Funny Valentine” and immediately mouths “what the—?” in reply.

Apparently Ryan wants to see Ramen outside of his comfort zone. Which I think is actually pretty interesting. He’s given everyone else something right in their wheelhouse – Broadway, gospel, swing, and then he gives the rocker a croon tune? Is he hoping Ramen will fail? Does he want to see if there’s a softer side of Ramen that could be his Christian character?  We will see.

PMKP tells us that not having Hairplugs and Zach “fighting” for them is frightening. I think it’s interesting she assumes they’re fighting FOR her rather than AGAINST her, but whatever.

Hairplugs tells them to let Ryan and Ian see what they’ve seen the entire time. If that’s the case, then Ramen will whip his hair around and dance like Michael Jackson; Damian will mess up lyrics or dance moves with a smile but they’ll love him anyway; PMKP will act like she’s the greatest singer in the world (when she’s not chewing her fingers) and Big Momma will stand off to the side doing nothing in a dress and wig while everyone else does their best, and then skate by.

Got it.

Everyone goes to dressing rooms to practice. Damian thinks he’s been in a slump the last few weeks, given that they were willing to send him home the week Bill Gates quit. But now there’s nothing to lose and he’s going to go for it.

Big Momma is singing his gospel standard, which is a slow, boring song often sung at funerals. For good reason – it sounds like a funeral song. Turns out it was sung at Big Momma’s Daddy’s funeral. Nookie comes in and tells them she is really excited that he’s singing the song, and Big Momma quickly says he hates it.  Nookie does her best to encourage him to see the joy in the song, not the sadness, and her pep talk seems to work.

Ramen is in his dressing room, stewing. “I’ve never heard this song in my entire life.” We hear him do a couple of lines and he’s really rocking it out. Good thing for him is that he knows this is not what Ryan’s looking for. Not only that, but the song seems to fall on his break and like his studio experience this week, the higher notes are rough to belt out. He looks anguished.

PMKP is in her room, crying. Her last time in the bottom three was a train wreck, and she couldn’t tell Ryan who she was. Good thing she’s figured it out in the last seven days! She’s confident in the song and thinks it will let her show more of who she is – that she’s easily accessible – so that Ryan can see a character to write for her. It seems her “go-to” thing when times are rough is to “act happy” but she’s “just done.” She wants to be more real.

Performance time! Ryan comes walking in with a taller, long haired man in a blue v-neck shirt. I have to say, I’m not a fan of the V-neck on a man. Any man.  I’ve been wracking my brain trying to come up with a good nickname for Mr. Ian, and the only thing I can think of is another Ian, Henry Ian Cusick, who played Desmond on Lost.  Only Henry Ian is really hot and has an amazing accent.  Oooh – he should play Damian’s dad on Glee!

Actually, the dream casting I have for Damian’s dad on Glee would be Pierce Brosnan – he’s Irish, they both have those dreamy blue eyes and dark hair…. yum.

But back to non-Henry Ian, who I’m going to call Desmond. He’s laughing at something as they’re seated and I want to know what it was.

Up first is Big Momma, who according to Ryan is “incredibly talented. He’s sort of fascinated playing female roles. I thought he’d be sorta fun to write as the love child of Kurt and Mercedes. Like the little brother they take under their wing and encourage.” This makes Desmond laugh, but Ryan continues. “He’s sweet and charming but has a confidence problem sometimes. But his voice out of all of them – I think – is the best.”

Big Momma comes out and introduces himself and the song saying that it’s a song he used to hate (seven minutes ago) but he loves it.  I still kind of hate it, personally, but Big Momma does a pretty nice job with it.

Ryan tells him that his dad would be proud of him for that performance, and thought BM did great. Then out of nowhere, Desmond wants to know what high school is like for Big Momma.

“It’s been hard. I walked in and boys would pick on me because I talked funny and dressed funny,” he says. He tells us that he has more girl friends than guy friends, which doesn’t surprise me in the least. Desmond tells him he’s fascinating to watch and very interesting, very Glee.  As Big Momma leaves, Desmond turns and reiterates, “he’s really, really fascinating!” Grrr. Wait til you watch the Glee Project, Desmond. You’ll find he’s not really that fascinating.

Damian is up next. “Damian is, by far, Mr. Personality in this competition,” Ryan says. “Oddly enough he’s been in the bottom three the most in this competition.” To which I say, isn’t he tied with Big Momma for that honor?

Desmond wants to know why D has been in the bottom so much, and it’s because he’s “unformed.” “You can tell every week that he’s gotten better and better and better. He’s the one you root for the most.”

Damo turns on the accent and charm as he introduces himself to Desmond, who’s already smiling at him. Wearing the Halleblujah color that’s so nice on him, Damian starts to sing.

You can tell he’s grown a lot: he’s moving – almost naturally – and snapping his fingers on the beat. The song lends itself to lots of nice eyebrows and is right smack dab in the middle of his range. He’s interacting with the band and looks really comfortable on stage. Until he accidentally knocks the mic stand over at end of the song.

Desmond and Ryan are chuckling and Ryan says he likes Damo’s “punk rock move”. Ryan tells Damian that vocally he has the “hardest road of the four” but knows that Damian knows that.  With a smile, Damian says that he’s learned “so, so much throughout the competition – about meself, about me as a person, about performing…”

Desmond asks Damian what he wanted to be when he grew up – a singer, actor, etc. Damo says, “I want to be a singer. I want to be an actor. I want to be… everything. I just want to perform, and that’s the truth. I love it. I get such a buzz off it. I wake up in the morning and I think of performing. I go to bed at night and think of performing.”  Ryan tells him he did great, as always, and dismisses him.

Desmond agrees that Damian is great, even with that babyface. “He would be a good freshman to bring in.” To which I say: YES! Four years of Damian on my television. I could handle that. 

“Brittany would eat him alive,” Desmond says. “Or she would just never understand him. ‘What? What did you say?’ It practically writes itself.”

Oh my stars, yes. Can you imagine? Brittany would follow him into the boys bathroom trying to find “the pot of gold.” Or else she’d hide from him, afraid he’d steal her Lucky Charms. (Thanks to my sister for those examples, which were too perfect not to include.)

PoorMansKatyPerry is up next, and Ryan fills Desmond in. “I’ve always been trying to pierce who she is, and she resists it, gets upset and feels attacked.” She comes out wearing a pink cardigan, nerdy owl shirt and BaldingBryce’s missing hat. I would have loved it if she’d come out dressed like Lea Michele, complete with rainbow sweater, legwarmers and pleated skirt. Wouldn’t that have been awesome?

She does a nice job, I can’t deny it, but by giving her such a Broadway song it’s really “big” and “theatrical” and completely the opposite of letting them “pierce who she really is.” Just my two cents.

Desmond immediately goes there too, saying that the style really fits her, but can she do other stuff, like rock?  She says she can, kinda. Ryan mentions her obsession with appearing perfect at all times, and she tells us again that she’s always trying to be “on” and “right” and “doing well” when that goes against human nature. She says she’s done trying to be that person, because she lost herself along the way somewhere. She’s trying to pick up the pieces.

They say she too did great and dismiss her. “I’ve always kind of wanted to cut her but I never can,” Ryan says right out of the gate, and I love him for it. He really does have a pretty good B.S. Detector. Except where Big Momma is concerned.

“We need her,” Ryan continues. “Because we need this kind of girl in the group.” Interestingly, that’s all we hear of them discussing her.

Last up is Ramen, “who as Jesus quotes tattooed on his body.” Desmond looks over at Ryan. “I hope they’re not boring quotes, like something from Leviticus. ‘Thou shalt not eat rock badger.’”

Heh. That quote is giving Damian’s “Oh My God!” a run for it’s money in the favorite quote of the season contest.

For those of you who don’t know:

1. Rock badgers are real animals, found in South Africa, and also called “dassies.” They’re the size of a guinea pig but is closest anthropologically to the elephant.  I saw these in June when I was in Cape Town, and they’re simply adorable:
   
2. Leviticus is quite possibly the most boring book of the Bible. I’m going to be struck by lightning for saying that, but it’s true. It’s mostly a giant long list of everything you’re not supposed to eat, because it’s unclean, and what to do if you come into contact with something unclean. Yawn.
3. Leviticus 11:5 says, “And the rock badger, because it chews the cud but does not part the hoof, is unclean to you.” (English Standard Version).  The “Gods Word” translation is even more clear: “You must never eat rock badgers.” I guess that’s that.
4. I’m now VERY curious about Desmond, that he a) even knows about rock badgers, b) knows about Leviticus, and c) can pretty much quote a verse from Leviticus. THIS IS SOMEONE I NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT!!!

Okay, Bible lesson over – Ramen is waiting in the wings to sing “My Funny Valentine.”  I have always liked the song, and he does a really nice take on it – there’s a warm quality to his voice which keeps his rock songs from sounding screechy and it’s really nice here.  He steps back humbly, nervous to how he did – the Russell Brandt impressions are no more.

“Very nice,” Ryan tells him. “I was telling Desmond before you came out that I like that you have Bible phrases tattooed on your body.” He reminds us all that he wants to write a “different” Christian character and he thinks Ramen could be that character.

“It’s always been a dream of mine to be on Glee, but to be THAT character on Glee… it’s a dream I didn’t even know existed,” Ramen tells them.

Ryan tells him he’s seen all three of the others have a moment where they get broken down, then pick themselves up by the bootstraps. He thinks that’s the reason the show works – the underdog. But one of the things that’s hurting Ramen in the competition is that he is NOT the underdog. He’s never been the underdog (a Suckster) at all.

Ryan wants to know the last time Ramen cried, and we’re told it was “yesterday” as he thought about this moment, and how the things he wants in life might not be what God wants him to have. (Nice one, throwing God in there. You’re learning, Ramen!)

As Ramen leaves, Desmond says that Ramen is confusing. “He’s very hard to pin down. He’s the one I’m most on the fence about. The other three… seem so authentic.”  But they both agree that they’d be blessed to have any of the four. “I don’t know how you decide!”

Desmond is echoing the statements that Ryan has made often in the weeks up until now: “I had no idea how hard this decision was going to be. I just don’t know how we can cut anyone.”

Back in the Home Depot Lounge, Ramen is saying this is like “the first time he’s been a Suckster, like legit” (trademark Little Debbie). It’s real to him, for the first time in the competition, that he might go home. He actually wishes that he’d been a Suckster every week, to learn earlier on what he’s only learning now. I find it ironic that it was Ramen back in week one who said he thought it would be interesting to be in the bottom three, because then they’d get to know you really well. Should’ve taken your own advice, dude.

Damian is saying his performance was a blur, and he can’t believe he remembered the words. Big Momma and PoorMansKatyPerry say they’re glad they made it to this point, no matter what. They nearly made it to the end.

A tear dramatically slides down Ramen’s face.

Hairplugs comes in to cowardly tell them to go look at the callback list. There’s a teeny bit more joy on his face this week than in previous weeks, so it gives me great hope that Big Momma is finally headed home. The four Turkeys hug and walk out to go see their fate.

As usual, Damian stares at his feet in front of the list, unable to look up at the list. Big Momma looks at it and breathes a big sigh of relief, dammit. He’s in the finale. Ramen takes a look, but his face is unreadable. PMKP looks up, and quickly looks away, starting to cry. She quickly looks back, covering her mouth.

Damian finally gathers his courage and looks at the list, his mouth dropping open and giving a near identical “Oh My God!” cry of happiness. Obviously he’s also safe. So who is it that’s going home?

Nobody. They’re all four called back and we’ll have a final four, rather than a final three. I’m happy for them, in a way, but why delay the inevitable, Glee producers? This is a bit of a cop-out, I think.  The four share a big hug, much happier and joyful than the one they had moments before, and then sing “Keep Holdin’ On” as a quartet. No Turkeys have been sacrificed – we’re vegetarian this week.

Next week: the Season Finale! Don’t Stop Believin’! Ryan is disappointed! The Chopped Turkeys return!  Big Momma sings in drag! And someone -pleasedearlordnotbigmomma – wins!

Glee Project Recap: Episode #8 – Believability

Previously on the Glee Project: The six remaining Turkeys had to get in touch (no pun intended) with their Sexuality. After pairing off in some stranger’s house for a video of “Teenage Dream,” Ramen and Big Momma tried to portray longing in the Barbie Dream Garage. PollyHannah and Bill Gates made a giant mess in the kitchen, leaving the bedroom for Damian and PoorMansKatyPerry. Ramen and the girls were safe, leaving D, Bill Gates and Big Momma as the Sucksters. Damian wasn’t great, Big Momma sucked (of course) and Bill Gates rocked. However, don’t let that determine what’s going to happen: Big Momma was saved (of course) and Damian was inexplicably on his way out until Bill Gates chose to take himself out and head home.

We’re down to five Turkeys – the gasps upon entering the HomeDepotLounge are noticeably quieter. Is it just me or is Big Momma the first in the door every stinkin’ week?

This week’s theme is “Believability.” This week the chalkboard says they’re going to sing Cyndi Lauper’s “True Colors” and are told to “Be Real.”  Good thing Chesty McTitsalot got the boot weeks ago or it would have been an automatic elimination. I’m not being mean! The girl told us that she “knows phony” and I believe her.

Is this the first week that the chalkboard has been framed by a dinky dixie cup of chalk and a teeny tiny eraser? I’ve never noticed them before. But for crying out loud, Glee People! It’s not like you couldn’t afford a proper chalk rail. I know how many #1 records you have sold.

Well, I don’t, but I could Google it if I really wanted to.

They Turkeys are surprised to realize they’re singing the whole song. PMKP thinks that having to sing the whole song will be more challenging, but of course, she knows she’s going to completely sail through because she’s God’s Gift to Glee. The GGG, if you will. Not only that, but this girl loves a moment in the spotlight.

Damian tells us that the dynamics have changed a lot since Bill Gates’ departure five minutes earlier. He doesn’t feel he can talk or chat up with the remaining guys the way he could with Bill. For the second week in a row, he tells us it’s beginning to feel like a competition. Heh.

Big Momma tells us that now that it’s near to the end, he finally has some drive. Nice of you to coast along up to this point, buddy. “I have the drive to win this like no other drive I’ve ever had in my life.” Ugh. Just… ugh. I’m so tired of this kid that I can’t think of anything “funny mean” to say – all of it is just purely mean.

Wait a minute – look in the background! The HomeDepotLounge has a popcorn machine and a Slushie maker??? Awesome! Let’s give Big Momma another hundred Slushies! I like the idea of having a Slushie machine in there, just taunting them. Have we seen these items before? I wonder how long that popcorn machine has been half full? Not only are those machines good for some tasty snacks but I’m guessing they’re using the scent of popcorn to mask the awful stench that you just know is coming from that Boys Dorm by now.

Ramen tells us that he’s been around for eight weeks and still hasn’t been in the bottom three and feels super-believable. You know what that means: he’s guaranteed to be a Suckster tonight. I didn’t even need the foreshadowing music to figure this one out.

The big question for them all is ‘what am I supposed to make them believe? I mean, I believe that I’m believable, but what if your belief is not that I’m believable? Believe it or not, I believe I can portray believability, but believe what you will.’

You don’t know how many times I misspelled “believe” when typing the above paragraph. It’s sad, y’all. I can’t type the word “globe” either, and it’s in the name of my own site. I type “glove” every. stinking. time.  That’s your bonus Fun Fact about Tamitra for the week..

We move to the choir room, where the five Turkeys are sitting around looking quite forlorn. As we see a fingerless-gloved person enter, we hear PMKP tell us that they’re going to blow away their guest mentor. You should of course read that as “everyone is going to try to blow them away, but I’m actually going to do it because I’m the best singer EVER!”

Damian in particular is very excited to see Jenna Uschkowitz, who plays Tina, enter the room escorted by Hairplugs. Ramen tells us that she’s very beautiful in person. PMKP just touches her face, like every other week. Jenna tells them she’s heard great things about them and congratulates them on making it this far.

Hairplugs tells them that this week’s challenges are about taking on characters, emotions and stories different to their own. Jenna is a prime example of this – she’s nothing like her gloved character, but she draws on things from her own life to give life to Tina.

Jenna and Damian remind us that she’s the one who sang it on Glee and it’s very important to her. In other words, kids, don’t suck. PMKP starts off, singing the first line. Thankfully, the editors have figured out a way to keep us from snoozing at five full-length renditions of the song: they pan the camera behind Ramen’s head and when you get to the other side, someone else is singing. PMKP blurs into Big Momma (heh), who blurs into PollyHannah. PMKP’s version seems heartfelt but I’m too distracted by her yet-again colorless/shapeless outfit. Big Momma annoys. PollyHannah is singing with such joy on her face, it’s awesome.

Ramen is up next, and he’s very intense. Not angry, but he’s borderline not-angry. Not the best choice, Ramen. Damo looks cute as ever, and in a virtual hug to Thunderheads, we get to hear him sing the line “…that’s why I love you.” I wonder how many teens out there have that as their ringtone now?

We see a quick montage of them again and hear Big Momma end the song. He has what I think is supposed to be a sweet smile on his face, but reminds me more of a two-month old whose smile is actually just gas. I just don’t get why this dude is still here, though I’m sure the scarf industry is thrilled by it.

Jenna and Hairplugs make their way from the audience and we see PMKP readying her face to be told she was the best. Heh.

But before Jenna can make her determination for the winner, we actually get to hear feedback on each of the Turkeys. Big Momma is told his voice is incredible. Damo is told his was dreamy, sweet and heartfelt. YES! Finally – good mentor feedback for our boy! Ramen is told he was awesome and intense. His “strong choice” was a good one.

Before we can even get to PMKP’s feedback we get to hear her talk about Ramen’s “one face.” I love how this girl, who is the “best actor” of the bunch, has nothing but negative comments for the one person who has never been a Suckster. Not only have you been a Suckster, my dear, but you dare complain about others when you’re wearing a side ponytail?

Jenna tells PMKP she was a “great actress” and gave a sweet rendition of the song. And finally, PollyHannah is told she sounded incredible and joyous, and put a smile on Jenna’s face. In the end, PollyHannah gets her first homework win and a mentoring session with Jenna.

They’re told this week’s video is going to be Paramore’s “The Only Exception”. Hannah’s excited by this and someone – I’m not even kidding – “moo”s their approval. Who the hell was that? WHAT the hell was that? One of these kids gave a MOO.

Just look at that face! What a doll!

Hairplugs tells them that this video is about that very painful feeling that nearly every high school student endures. A really painful zit just inside one of your nostrils? Nope — loving someone who doesn’t know you exist. Forget teenagers, heck, I’m still in that spot, unless Christian Kane has found this blog and has fallen for me because of my hilarious recapping abilities.

Poor PollyHannah reminds us that she “used to have” a crush on Damian, and she can relate. Oh honey, you still have a crush on him. We saw how you reacted “last week” to his kiss with PoorMansKatyPerry.  And though Damo might not have romantic feelings for you, he definitely knows and likes you – it’s quite obvious. In fact, I’d say he prefers your company to any of the other remaining Turkeys.

Hairplugs tells them there’s no choreography this week, and Damo drops to his knees in thanks and makes the sign of the cross. No, not really. This week’s video is all about acting and vocals. Of course PMKP tells us that she’s a super-believable actress and has been complimented on her “subtle acting” in the past. If that’s anything like her “subtle ego” we’re in for a treat.

We see the Turkeys enter the HomeDepotLounge, Big Momma coming in first. Again. BM tells us he’s upset there’s no choreography this week – he’s really going to miss not doing any work, just standing around watching Damian roll on the floor in a tank top.  Wait a minute! Now I’M upset there’s no choreography this week! PollyHannah pretends to be mad there’s no floor work this week. I swear, sometimes I think she and I are the same person.

Big Momma tries to get them all to say who they would pick to be “in love with”, in a completely obvious ploy to see who (if any) would say they would want to be in love with him. Without missing a beat, PMKP says “PollyHannah.”

First PMKP touched her hair/face when Jenna came in, now is picking PollyHannah as her unrequited love person? Are we just now learning something about this girl??  Quick: someone look and see if she played softball in high school.

PollyHannah says that she wouldn’t mind having to have PMKP as her partner, but it would be “friendship” focused, not in a “girl on girl” way. Completely proving that he is in fact a heterosexual young male, Ramen sticks out his tongue in a really overeager way at the “girl on girl” comment.

PollyHannah says that the way she could see it was that if PMKP was the popular cheerleader type and PH was the nerdy girl carrying her books to math class, wishing PMKP knew who she was.

Ramen tells us he’s ready to hit on a girl, and Big Momma makes a face.

Damian, bless his heart, says he’d pick PollyHannah, “because I love her and she doesn’t know I exist.” On behalf of  big girls everywhere, thank you Damian, for picking her. If you weren’t my favorite before, you would be based on that comment alone.

PMKP makes a sad, somewhat shocked face, like she can’t believe no one picked her.

We move to the studio to have vocals with Nookie, who thinks this song is going to be a challenge. She’s going to have to pull as much range and emotion out of their performances as possible.

PollyHannah’s up first and though to me she sounds a bit flat, Nookie thinks there’s not enough pain coming through. “I don’t feel like you’re telling me a story yet.” Then she gives a great performance and Nookie is happy. Damo is up next and sounds great – though he’s told to pull back and smooth it out a little more. We don’t get to hear much from him, which hopefully means he nailed it quickly and we’ll hear it in the final mix.

Ramen is in the studio next, and again it sounds off key to me. I’m expecting her to tell him to sing it in tune and less angry-like, but she tells him it was totally right. “Just be more confident!” I don’t know the song, so maybe it just sounds out of tune a lot.

Big Momma is up next, and before he can even begin, Nookie asks him how he’s going to convey the story. BM tells us that he’s pulling up the emotions he felt when his father died, and almost immediately he begins to fight tears and turns away. Nookie goes into the studio to comfort him. “It’s just so much pain – and I’ve always held back. I’ve just never wanted to bring up or use it–”

With tears in her eyes Nookie tells him that an experience like that isn’t something you just “get over 100%” but you live with it.  She thinks it’s good that he’s letting it out. BM tells us that his father died when he was six and he’s never had a continual male influence in his life. He’s going to draw upon the longing of wishing he had a father. We then get to hear  him sing a line which seems to really touch Nookie, and despite all my derision and teasing, actually sounds good.

“I’m almost kind of speechless about Big Momma,” Nookie tells us. “He’s never given such a simple and heartfelt performance before. It was almost magical.”

We see that Big Momma has joined the other Turkeys in the recording studio’s lounge area, telling them about his breakdown with Nookie. “I just started to cry and break down. I started shaking and didn’t know what to do and she came in and started talking to me. It made me feel a lot better because she always knows just what to say.”

Last up is PMKP, our resident “if it worked for them, it’ll work for me” idea stealer. Why do I have the feeling she’s going to “break down” during this recording session?

We see her give a pretty “dramatic” performance unlike the softer more heartfelt performances from the others. Nookie looks less than thrilled. In a textbook acting class move, PMKP gives us her best “clench eyes shut, put fist to mouth, turn to the side” move to indicate pain. Nookie and I aren’t buying it.

“How ya doin’?” Nookie asks her in an almost sharp tone. It’s not the soft, caring crying Nookie we saw moments ago, but an annoyed “you’re wasting my time” Nookie.

“I’m fine,” hiccups PMKP through crocodile tears.

Nookie’s not rushing to PMKP’s side but instead saying seated, raising her eyebrows repeatedly and thinking, “how long are we going to have to suffer through this farce?”

I. Heart. Nookie. for seeing through this crap.

“I just feel like PMKP is forcing emotional drama instead of just letting it happen naturally,” Nookie tells us.  PMKP finally gives a performance that Nookie is satisfied with and is dismissed. Before walking out of the studio, PMKP says, “you’re awesome.”

Out of PMKP’s line of sight, Nookie shakes her head NO. “Did she just say, ‘you’re awesome’?” Nookie asks the tech boy. “because I know she didn’t mean it.” Nookie tells us that she’s felt on more than one occasion that PMKP is not being 100% real.

Apparently Nookie also knows PHONY.

Next up is the video shoot. “Producer Erik in the Library with a Camera!” Sorry – random Clue reference.

Ramen tells us he’s nervous about this week, because he’s being looked at as an ACTOR and hasn’t ever thought of himself as an ACTOR. Do these kids understand that Glee is a TELEVISION SHOW first and a MUSICAL PLATFORM second?  Sorry – I had to go all caps lock there for a second. I’m not saying they should be Academy Award nominees, but honestly, they don’t seem to think about things like spoken, memorized lines. To be fair, this show hasn’t really encouraged a lot of that, which is a disservice. I’d like to see them be given two pages of dialogue to memorize for the next homework challenge. Or to be told to sit on a hard choir room chair for eight hours straight. Let them see the “non-glamorous” part of the job.

*steps off soap box, but keeps it close by just in case*

Hairplugs tells us this is going to be the best group number yet. He says that every week.  In the vid, each Turkey will be singing to and pining for another Turkey.  PollyHannah is pining for Big Momma, who is pining for Damo, who is pining for PMKP, who is pining for Ramen, who is pining for PollyHannah. Got all that?

We’re going to get lots of close-up shots, so we’ll really be able to tell the depth of their emotion and examine just how much screen presence they have.

Again, PollyHannah is up first. She’s got straight hair again and is wearing a hot pink Scarf of Theatricality that clashes wonderfully with said hair. She tells us that as she’s looking toward Big Momma, she can see Damo just beyond him, and it’s distracting. Boy, can we understand that. You’d think, though, that having the boy she’s really pining after sitting opposite the boy she’s pretending to pine after would make it easier. Just sing to Damo, sweetie. We’ll understand.

Apparently the first take didn’t go well because Hairplugs goes over to remind her that the camera needs to see that she’s longing after Big Momma. Poor girl. To actually do that WOULD require an Academy Award.

We get a quick flashback to PollyHannah’s mentor session with Jenna, who tells her to sing every line as though it’s her last. Ruh Roh. Jenna tells her that keeping that mindset will change the vocal and make it stronger.  Not the best mentoring session we’ve seen.

Next up is Big Momma who’s gotten into character by thinking of his father again. While that worked great to put emotion into his vocal I don’t think it’s going to work so well to convey love and longing for D.

Aaaaand I was right. “Big Momma is acting too ‘down’,” Erik tells Hairplugs, Zach and Nookie. “It doesn’t feel like love. It feels like…depression!”

“He’s pining after his dad,” Nookie tells them. Hairplugs tells them – and us – that regardless of what gets an actor into the headspace, the audience has to see pining in a romantic way. Exactly what I was thinking. *hurts arm patting self on back*

Erik tells Big Momma to change up the faces, and they go for another take. The next take is really good. It really pains me to say that. I’m sorry, y’all, but I gotta be honest. Hairplugs has unknowingly given a thumbs-up and Nookie is pointing at their monitor. They saw this magic little moment too.

“I can’t believe Big Momma gave me chills,” my BFF says. “I didn’t think he could do that.” I feel the same, honey. I feel the same.

Next up is Damian and I notice that yet again the lovely casting people have dressed him in light blue. Hallelujah. Or halleblujah, as it may be.  Despite looking great, our boy is worried. “I’m a person who can’t sit still. I have to do something. I have so much movement in me.” And before I can even crack the obvious joke he says, “And not in a good way. I can’t dance!”  Heh.  The close-up shots and The Jury watching the monitor is freaking him out. “I just hope to God my eyebrows don’t start dancing.”

Of course, my BFF immediately starts a mocking eyebrow dance, cracking himself – and me – up in the process. “So this is what’s happening,” Zach says, turning to Hairplugs and Nookie. “You (brow raise)… are (brow wiggle)…” Nookie laughs and Hairplugs steps in to save D.

“You’re doing a little bit of eyebrows just now. Just get back into that zone you were in.”  The casual way this is mentioned indicates that this has happened many times before. Heh.

PMKP is up next, standing at a shelf of romance books. She’s looking through the racks singing to and trying to catch Ramen’s eye. “I think PMKP’s performance is nice,” Zach says, “but I just wish it was making me feel something.”

It’s a little flat even to me. Erik tells her they need a bit more twinkle. You can tell by her facial expression that she is not used to, nor does she like, being told her performance was less than perfect in any way. She tells us she’s also anxious “because it’s just us”. Having a close up with a camera in her face is “intense and nervewracking.”

We then get what is probably the weirdest Ramen moment of the entire series. He’s walked over to the table where D and Big Momma are seated, and he’s oddly hopping around, twitching, and talking out of the side of his mouth. I’ve listened to this clip about 15 times and I’m still not 100% sure what he says here. I think it’s “This is what I wanna do with my life. Cameras everywhere. Makeup chairs just like (mimes touching up zits)… life is good!”

If I didn’t know better I’d wonder what he drug he was coming down from. (I’m not saying he uses drugs. Just want to be really clear on that. It was just an odd behavior and that was the best way I could think to describe it.) Maybe it’s just nervous energy, but I’ve never seen it from him before, and he’s had close up shots before (ie Slushiefest 2011).

We then see Erik talking to The Jury, telling them that this is the first time Ramen can’t fall back on the “bad-boy-cool-guy look – he has to really be vulnerable.”

Nookie thinks Ramen’s performance is “simple” but Erik thinks it’s too confident. “If she was really someone you were longing for you wouldn’t be as confident to just stare through her.” Erik thinks he needs to be more nervous. Hairplugs also wants to see more vulnerability. The key to this week’s vid is subtlety, which some of these Turkeys have a lot of problem with.

Okay it’s video time – grab the popcorn and follow along:

• I’m going to show my age here and say the beginning overhead swooping-down camera shot of the library totally took me back to 1986 or so and the Tears for Fears video “Head Over Heels.” That was a great song.
• I like that they’ve muted the colors for this video a bit – PollyHannah’s clashing scarf and hair don’t show as much.
• Ooh – nice fake eyelashes, PH!
• I have always wanted – and will always want – one of those things where you push the pins through to make a picture in relief, like they’re using with the broken heart here.
• The idea that this many people would be in a school library on their own is preposterous. Likewise the wooden crate in front of PH. You know that thing would be completely covered in graffiti.
• Silver lining: a full 50% of Big Momma’s solo is actually shots of Damian. Thanks, editors!
• There’s a really nicely edited shot of Big Momma’s hand across the table from Damian’s, separated by longing. Unfortunately it means an extreme close-up of D’s hands. This boy needs a manicure that doesn’t involve his teeth.

• Damo is sitting there doodling PMKP’s name all over the pages of a notebook. I wonder who had the job of actually writing all of that? What’s not visible is the title of the notebook: “Finger Eaters Who Think They’re Awesome But Really Just Need To Shut Up”
• While D is singing there’s a nice sequence of PMKP smiling back at D, and Big Momma’s disappointment in seeing that D’s affections are elsewhere… and then PollyHannah appears to feel the same and half-bites her lip. Kudos to all!
• All of these extreme closeups just reiterate the need for a Costco multipack of ProActiv. Poor things.
• Everytime I hear PMKP sing that she has a “tight grip on reality” I inwardly say, “no you don’t” back to her. Please tell me I’m not the only one.
• As PMKP sings the above line I can’t help but notice that she’s giving us Ramen’s “single facial expression.” Heh.
• Ramen’s performance is the worst of the lot, if you ask me. The first half conveys nothing and the second half is over-confident. If he was that confident of a character, he’d just walk over to PH and plant one on her.
• PH has really pretty eyes.
• Has Ramen always had two nose rings? I’ve never noticed that before.

We come back from commercial on “Callback Day” and once again, Damian is has prepared himself to be in the bottom three and is crapping himself with worry. Speaking of crap, did you notice all the piles of crap on the bedside table, floor and beds? I think this photo should be repeatedly shown to those young women out there who think Damian or any other young man is an ideal speciman, a god among mere mortals… in other words, a perfect prince.  And most any woman would tell you, that no, they aren’t. In my experience, most men are messy, stinky, find unfathomable joy in farting and penis jokes, can’t see what’s right in front of their nose even when looking for it, and genuinely believe that using his toes to fling his underpants in the general direction of a hamper is “helping with the housework.”

The takeaway here is that these three are are pretty typical young men.

Ramen is scared, but doesn’t want to be there. He tells us he wasn’t as happy with his performance as he usually is. He thinks meeting Ryan and being a Suckster is a possibility this week.

Hairplugs and Nookie(!) walk in to identify this week’s Sucksters. We’re told that Nookie is there in lieu of Zach ibecause there was no choreography this week. Why hasn’t she always been there, then? They’ve sung every week.

Hairplugs starts with Hannah, telling her that in the homework assignment she sounded better than ever before. However in the video shoot, she was distracted. He puts her on the spot, asking why she was distracted, but it’s not as if she’s going to say, “I wasn’t acting! This is my real life and I’m pining away for Damian!”  It would have been awesome if she had, though. “I was just confused,” she says.  “I tried my best.”

Nookie tells D that he did a great job on the video shoot. “It really made me proud, because you haven’t really acted before, have you?” He smiles and says he really hasn’t, but it was harder than he’d imagined.

PMKP is told – again! – that she’s the best actor in the flock, but in this week’s shoots, even Zach my BFF commented that he just felt nothing from her performance. And before she can start her rebuttal, Nookie steps in for the best smackdown so far. I’m just going to have to transcribe this, it was so awesome.

Nookie:  PMKP, I have to say that in the studio this week you did frustrate me a bit.

PMKP, smiling the grin she probably gives her daddy when she wants something:  I’m sorry.

Nookie:  It was almost like you came in emotionally prepared to have a breakdown because you saw some of the other contestants have a real moment. It may not have been what you intended, but um, it didn’t come across true to the moment.

PMKP, getting defensive:  Well, it’s just a lot of things have been building just by being here. I’m sorry if it came off false, but it wasn’t.

Speaking of false, Nookie then smiles at her, not believing a word of it,. PMKP looks sad and her bowels turn to ice water.

Nookie moves on to Ramen, telling him that during the shoot his “romantic side” didn’t come out like she’d hoped. He didn’t convey the vulnerability and wanting that was needed. In short, “your performance fell short, I think.”  No man likes hearing that.

Hairplugs then tells Big Momma that it took him a while to warm up, and that his initial depression wasn’t working with the song. However, after being told to turn the depression to longing, he gave a really good, “breathtaking” performance. Big Momma cries as he’s told he’s not a Suckster.

As much as I want this kid gone, he didn’t deserve it this week. I have to agree with their assessment.

PMKP is looking hurt, and I secretly find delight that it’s Nookie who says, “PMKP, you WILL be performing for Ryan tonight.” PMKP gives a giggle and says “okay” like she’s just been asked if she wants to be taken to get some ice cream. I halfway expect her to tell Nookie “you’re awesome.”

PollyHannah is then told that she’s a Suckster. She seems neither surprised or overly saddened.

So it’s down to Damo and Ramen. She reminds them that Damo has performed for Ryan four times already. “Do you think you have it in you to do a fifth?” Oh, he’s an Irish lad. I’m guessing he could handle a ‘fifth’.

“Yes, I do,” Damo tells her with a smile. “But I don’t want to!  I do have it in me, I’d just rather… not.”

Hairplugs reminds us that Ramen has never Sucked – is he ready to sing if he needs to?  Ramen says he is ready.  Which is a good thing, because Ramen is our third Suckster and Damian is safe.  With the biggest “OH!” face, Damian turns away, pulling his hoody over his head, trying with all of his might not to start jumping up and down.  Instead he gets down on his knees.

“I did not expect this,” he tells us. “I’ve been to hell and back but I’m going to fight until the death to win this!”

Well, if you’re talking about fighting to the death, let me put PMKP and Big Momma in front of you. We could sell tickets and rake in millions, my friend!

It’s time for the Sucksters’ song assignments. PoorMansKatyPerry gets “Maybe This Time” from Cabaret. She doesn’t know it and looks a little panicked. Heh. Ramen gets “Animal” by Neon Trees. He’s very excited and tells us he’s already imagining the auditorium completely packed and people screaming his name. Oh, he’s going to be really disappointed to realize it’s only the Judge and Jury in there. PollyHannah is given Taylor Swift’s “Back to December” and like Ramen, is excited by the choice.

The Sucksters take to their dressing rooms, and PollyHannah tells us that she feels like the real underdog. She knows she’s up against some big competition, so she’s going to work hard.

PMKP is rehearsing and blathering on something about personalities and talent. I have no idea what she’s talking about because I’ve tuned her out, but I’m going to guess it’s something about how her own personality and talent are better than her competitors’.

Ramen’s freaking out at this new experience. At first he was thinking the song was too big. Then his throat started to close up as his nerves started to take over. He’s worried Ryan won’t like him, and he’s thinking about overthinking things.

Oh my. It’s time for the Bing Fan Favorite segment. You know what’s coming, kids. I hope you’re not eating.

In this week’s segment, we see Damian in the makeup chair prior to the video shoot. PollyHannah and Big Momma are off to the side. The makeup woman, who has probably been slowly removing unibrows from these boys over the course of the series, has Damian leaned back in her chair. With one hand on his nose and another clutching a pair of tweezers, she moves in for the kill.

As she inserts the tweezers into D’s nose, PollyHannah asks the makeup woman, “can you really see all of them that you’re pulling out?”

“Yeah,” she says, unenthusiastically. We hear a grunt and what sounds like the opening of a pop can. What the heck is IN there? Damian is now sitting up, examining the hairs on his palm. PollyHannah rushes over to see.

“Holy Bleep!” Damian says, laughing. Big Momma turns away, almost a bit disgusted, but Hannah is intrigued.

“Let me pluck one!” Hannah says. The makeup woman laughingly hands the tweezers to Hannah as Damian starts to protest. “Hannah, Hannah, don’t…. don’t cut me!” Hannah moves into position with a little too much enthusiasm.

With Big Momma bracing his shoulders, the makeup woman moving his nose into the Biggest! PigSnout! Ever!, PollyHannah goes in.

She pulls her hand back wickedly and painfully fast, staring with glee at the items trapped inside the closed tweezers.  “I think she grabbed, like, eight!” Big Momma laughs.

Not satisfied, PollyHannah shakes the tweezers clean and goes back to hunt for more gold.  One more pluck and this time we get a loud, “Ohhawwwhhh” from our boy.  Hannah can’t even speak, she’s laughing so hard.  So is the makeup woman, who is thinking, “I totally love my job!” She puts her hand to her nose, whether to hide her laughter or in sympathetic support, I don’t know.

“Oh, that was deep!” Damian says, his eyes watering.

“This is TOO much fun!” Hannah says. “I could do this all day!  Lift up that nose!”  And she moves in again.

My first thought, upon watching this last week, was “AM I REALLY SEEING THIS?” Not in a horrid way but in a “Oh, I’m going to need to watch this thirty more times” kind of way.

My second thought was, “No wonder Hannah was distracted during the video shoot.”

My final thought was that the apparent treasure trove in Damian’s nose may be the source of Hairplug’s newly revised hairline and the reason Damian keeps getting saved. Hey, Glee has to economize somewhere. Song rights can be expensive.

Okay, back to the show. Our favorite plucker is the night’s first Suckster. Ryan is told she struggled a bit during the shoot, although she knew she was struggling, a fact which impressed Hairplugs.

She sings the song and does a nice job, and I can’t say much more about it. The song is right above her break, so she can’t give a really strong, loud performance, which is a shame.

Ryan reminds her that he loves her and roots for her, but tells her that she’s got a hard challenge tonight – she’s up against two really strong performers. What she has going for her more than them is that “you really are the show.”  My BFF can barely contain his agreement there.

Ryan continues, “you are the person people want to see win, and you’ve got a great heart. But I wish you would be more confident about yourself.”

“Me too!” she says, and I love her. “It’s something I’ve been struggling with my entire life. I was bullied when I was a kid, and I’ve always been the big girl, and it’s hard to keep going. But I keep going.”

“I wish you saw what we see,” Ryan says.

“I catch glimpses!” They laugh. She tells them she stood in front of the mirror before coming out to sing and gave herself a pep talk. “Just being here has put me miles ahead of where I was so I definitely appreciate that.” She joyously runs off stage as the Judge and Jury comment that she did a great job.

Next up is PoorMansKatyPerry, who we are told YET AGAIN is the best actor and has the best voice of all the Turkeys. She sucks tonight because she wasn’t as empathetic as the others.

She starts to sing, and Broadway tune really suits her. She’s really confident and belting and comfortable. Hairplugs can’t contain his joy, and Zach has a look on his face that says, “well, you can’t deny THAT RIGHT THERE.”

“I’m going to be honest,” Ryan tells her. “You’re in the Lea Michele mode and I need the next Lea Michele.” Out of all the girls, she’s the closest to that. But the difference is that he roots for Lea but not PMKP. At this, PMKP sags her shoulders and starts to affect her sad face.  Ryan continues, telling her that he struggles with her – is she the show? Are you an underdog? Will you make me cry? Will I believe that you’re not going to win?

NO, RYAN. SHE IS NOT THE SHOW. I LIKE PEOPLE ON THE SHOW.

She starts to crinkle up her face as though she’s blinking back tears even though she’s not actually crying, aka the Susan Smith. “I’ve just been taught my whole life to be really strong.”

At which point I screamed at my television, “You can be strong without being annoying, entitled, bitchy, or cocky!”

Ryan’s not really buying it. “I think there’s a way to be strong and be vulnerable at the same time.”  To which she quickly replies that she can’t be vulnerable.

“Why are you so afraid to show that?” As she tells us that she’s been taught to be almost…. programmed to be perfect, Zach mumbles “overcompensation” behind his hand.

She tells them she’s adopted and felt like she had to be the best in order to prove she belonged. “I’m not a jock. I’m not perfect like they are, so I strive.”

Ryan tells her that the vulnerability she’s showing right now is interesting – someone he’s never seen before.  She never shows that, which is sad because I would like her far more if she let on that she wasn’t perfect.

Ryan agrees – people can’t relate to her lack of room for imperfection. “We need a heroine, someone who young girls in particular can invest in.”

As she leaves, the Judge and Jury discuss what just occurred. She’s not quite what they need in the show, and they can’t figure out who she is. Hairplugs says she’s not quite Diana (Quinn Fabray) or Lea (Rachel Berry). Actually, after thinking about it, despite their need for a new Rachel, I think she is far more Quinn: the pretty, popular girl who seemingly has everything, hides her faults behind a cool veneer, and wants nothing more than to be the Homecoming Queen.

Ramen is up next, and Ryan is told that he went to a place of being “kind of aggressive.” Ramen comes onstage, where you can tell he’s very comfortable – he walks right up to the mic stand and moves it to where it works for him.  He goes into full on rock performance mode, flinging his hair around, moving around in that stumbling skinny-jean Mick Jagger kind of way, knocking over the mic stand.

Wait – is that a tattoo on his right hip bone? Something circular?  I was so distracted by the near-muffin-top-ness of the back view I almost missed it.

He says “thank you” in a really bad British accent, then “roight” (right).  *sigh*

Ryan goes right in for the kill, saying that Ramen isn’t very relatable. “You’re very special and I also think that you’re rarified, but that’s not the show. You can move, you’re sexy, you’ve got a vibe, you know what to say, but are you the show? Are you an outcast? Are you an underdog? You’re almost too slick for me and I don’t see the soft side of you.”  Ryan thinks it would have been fascinating had he come out acting vulnerable and emotional, rather than Russell Brant, which is so spot-on I’m sad he said it first.  Ryan wants something “swoonworthy” from him.

Then, almost out of nowhere, he comments on the Sexuality episode where Ramen was paired with Big Momma. Ryan says, “you actually said, ‘I’m not comfortable playing this because I’m afraid that they would write me gay.’”  Ramen tells them he said that because his parents are conservative Christians and don’t really understand the separation between acting and real life.

He continues, telling Ryan that he told his mom that he can do something to make a scene look good. For instance, he wouldn’t fall in love with a girl just because he had to kiss her in a scene. In the end, he was able to make her understand and she would support him, whatever the outcome.  I notice Ramen is talking really fast and there’s almost a scent of desperation coming from the stage.

Ryan tells Ramen that he was interested in Bill Gates because he wants to explore a Christian character who is “also a bunch of different things.” Someone who holds fast to Christian beliefs is an important thing to be added to the show.

“The back of my neck says ‘Jesus Christ’ – seriously,” Ramen says, halfway pulling his hair off his neck. He should have mentioned the scripture on his left boob.

Ryan seems interested in the softer, Christian boy side of Ramen.  Ramen is all for this, talking really fast. He understands that on the show people are misunderstood, the same way people have misconceptions about him. “I do love God. I love Jesus so much but at the same time, I can play rock music!”

With that, we all figure Ramen has done enough, and he leaves the stage.

Ryan is facing a tough decision. They need to go with who is the most talented, but people will root for PollyHannah the quickest. Zach reminds them that PH has made it this far because she’s just a great actress and you really just LOVE her. Hairplugs says that on screen, PMKP is also a great actress.

Notice no one mentions how people do/do not love her. Heh.

The concern with Ramen, despite being great, is that he can be a bit one-dimensional. In a dressing room offstage, PMKP raises her fist in triumph.

Back in the HomeDepotLounge, Ramen is telling them that he loves them all. PollyHannah is crying, not knowing what’s going to happen. PMKP says she’s preparing herself to go home, yet I don’t believe her. Hey, isn’t that the theme this week?

Hairplugs posts the lists and enters the HDL and sounds pathetic as he tells them the list is posted. Damian wraps Hannah in a hug, covering his own eyes as he cries with her. Big Momma hugs PMKP, hoping his biggest competition for the girl parts is about to get the boot. Damo and Big Momma look forlorn and weepy as they watch their friends walk out the door.

While walking to the list, Ramen tells us he wants to win more than he wants to breathe. He thinks he wants it more than anyone else.  PMKP tells us that the experience is surreal, a word she uses far more than she should. Hannah tells us that she too wants it more than anything and feels she’s worked really hard for it.

Ramen, after a couple of confused moments, breaks into a happy face. Seriously, dude – there’s only five words on the list. It shouldn’t take 20 seconds to figure out you’re safe. PMKP and Hannah, however, both have sad faces. We see the reveal, and it’s our lovely Hannah who is going home.  She steps off to the side and crosses her arms, waiting for the others to come in.

She tells us through tears that it’s been an amazing experience – better than she could have hoped for. We see Damian hug her sweetly again, and then she steps back to brush the tears on his cheeks.

I’ll say it again, my dear: it’s clear that Damian loves you.

As do we. I have to say, this isn’t going to be nearly as fun with out you, Miss Hannah. Between the whipped cream on your tats, your unrequited love for D, eating Slushie off your sweater, your 80s carrot sunglasses, and the utter joy on your face while plucking Damo’s nose, you’ve been an utter joy to watch this entire time. You will be missed.

Next week: Generosity! Big Momma being a diva! Nookie being annoyed by PMKP in the studio! Last-minute calls from Ryan! I can’t wait!

GP#8 Comment Post

Oh my. A visit from Tina. Solo homework performances. Longing looks across the library. In-studio crying. Disses from Nookie. Repeated smackdowns of PMKP. An uncomfortably extended clip of Damian nose-hair plucking. Ramen’s first appearance as a Suckster. PollyHannah surprisingly heads home and we’re down to four Turkeys. Discuss.

Glee Project Recap: Episode #7 – Sexuality

Previously on the Glee Project: Karofsky stopped by to Slushie the Turkeys. Cameron was overcome by shrinkage from the cold Slushies and didn’t give his best performance. MariZzza was all over the place, and none of it really the ‘right’ place. Big Momma went full on drag – heels, wig and Spanx – and caused me nightmares all week. Despite the tenacious prayers of my blog readers, bleary-eyed members of Congress as well as THE ENTIRE FREAKING PLANET, Big Momma managed to save himself to torture us another week. Obviously God is punishing us. In a bit of a surprise, MariZzza snoozed her way right off the call-back list, and sadly, the earring watch is no more.

Betcha can’t guess how this episode starts.

If you didn’t immediately say “The Turkeys enter the HomeDepotLounge and immediately gasp at the poor handwriting on the chalkboard announcing their homework assignment,” then you’re not worthy to be reading my blog. (Just kidding!)

Gasps were made around the world this week when the Turkeys (and viewers) realized their homework assignment was Madonna’s “Like a Virgin,” and the week’s theme is “Sexuality.”

My, my. This is gonna be a tough week. Hang on while I go get some chocolate and a fresh Diet Coke with Lime…. Lord, give me strength.

Our dear little PollyHannah tells us she’s a teeny bit afraid of the theme. “Are you kidding me? I’m like a koala bear! I can’t be sexy!” Yes, you can, girlfriend, yes, you can. Remember: you have boobs. Use them wisely. Damian immediately begins to sing lines of the song, and Big Momma starts doing his “sexy” move, aka, wiping sweat off his cheek and running his hand up and down his side like he’s applying deodorant.

Maybe that’s considered sexy wherever he’s from. I don’t know where that is and I don’t care enough to take 10 seconds to look it up.

Much to, oh… no one’s surprise, PollyHannah tells us that she wishes Damian would try to seduce her. “Damian is someone that I could have feelings for.” Welcome to the club. Don’t be ashamed of admitting it, girlfriend. At least you were born in the same decade he was. Others of us were in college when he was in diapers.

And yes, I do feel a bit oogy after saying that.

Red-faced Hannah (Slushie allergy or embarrassment?) is lucky enough to be the object of Damian’s attention during a rehearsal. Of course, PoorMansKatyPerry can’t just leave the girl to have her moment – she’s standing behind Damian plucking at his hair or something while he sings to PollyHannah.  This chick absolutely can’t stand not being the center of attention! Next thing you know she’ll be standing by during the video shoot snarkily and loudly asking PollyHannah, “best first kiss ever?” (RIP Little Debbie.)

Ewww – Ramen is on his knees upon the bumper pool table (yes, I actually DID care enough to Google this fact. Sucks to be you, Big Momma!), swinging his dreadlocks around like a whirligig. The awesome thing is that he jumps down and says “Oh God. I just felt so wrong doing that.”

And normally I would say, “it felt so wrong WATCHING you do that,” except it didn’t really. Weird, maybe, but not wrong. It was, however, ten kinds of wrong when Big Momma did the same move a few moments later. After seeing that, I think I need a decontamination tent, a fire hose and some lye. And maybe some new corneas.

Laying it on the line, like he usually does, Ramen tells us he thinks this theme is going to test what people’s limits are with sexuality. “You know, are you willing to go there?” He then asks Bill Gates if it would be weird if he (Ramen) hit on Bill during the video. Bill’s face can only be described as “terrified little boy, pretending he’s cool and untouched.” Only he’s not. Thankfully pretty much each of the contenders answers Ramen with a resounding “yes!”

Like a repeat from two weeks ago and the kiss from PMKP, Bill Gates is really uncomfortable with this week’s theme. He knows what Glee is and what they show – it’s what makes Glee connect with people. Doesn’t mean the boy is comfortable with it.

You know, I have to respect him for knowing his limits. And unlike some who complain that he shouldn’t been auditioning for this show knowing what it’s about, I can’t blame him for not realizing his boundaries before he got to this point. Sometimes you have to walk right up to the line before you realize you’re not going to cross it.

Sexuality, it seems, is going to be a challenge for our Turkeys. Well, for all the Turkeys other than Big Momma. Everybody seems to think that since there are four boys and only two girls, we’ll have one “gay” pairing. Honestly, I would have been much happier to see if Alex could play a straight character. Why shouldn’t he be challenged like the rest of the Turkeys to go outside of his comfort zone? Do you know how much fun I could have had with a Big Momma/PMKP Pairing? *sigh*

Ugh. PMKP is speaking about how special she is being in the top six and like, it’s really turning into a competition now. Or something like that. I completely tuned her out and was trying to hit fast forward in time to miss this:

Crap. Didn’t stop it in time. Please don’t hate me for subjecting you to it, but it’s only fair. If I have to suffer, so do you.

KatyPerry isn’t the only one who is beginning to feel the pressure of being near the end of the competition. All of them know it’s game time and the slightest thing could get them sent home.

Sweet Lord, I’ve been a good girl. All I ask is that this week be the week you stop torturing us with Big Momma. Amen.

(Before I go any further, I have to stop and tell you to go back to the beginning of the recap and read only the first letter of each paragraph up to this point, to receive a special message. Go ahead, I’ll wait.)

I crack myself up. Never let it be said I’m not a clever recapper.

We move to the choir room and the Turkeys are anxiously awaiting to see who their mentor will be. Rather that walking in with the mentor, Hairplugs is already with the Turkeys, telling them they thought “long and hard” about who best typifies ‘sexuality’ on the show? “In the end, we had to go with the hottest couple to ever make out in the closets of McKinley High.”  Figgins and Sue?

PollyHannah can barely contain herself. She jumps up and is practically having to be held back. She – and the others – are super excited to see Mark Salling and Ashley Fink, who play Puck and Lauren, enter. Ashley in particular seems really taken aback by the Turkeys’ excitement.

PollyHannah tells us that Ashley is one of her favorites on Glee, because she finds her so inspirational. “And Puck is just hot.”

Talking to the contenders, Puck says “you’re the final six, and we’ve heard a lot about you.” I can’t help but wonder what they’ve heard and what they think. Don’t you?

Ashley tells them that sexuality is “all about being passionate with someone you may or may not have real feelings for. I mean, it’s exhausting for me with this one,” she says, pointing to Puck. “Look at him!”

Oh, I am. Don’t worry.

Ashley continues, “High school is where young people start figuring out who they are. Ryan Murphy likens it to trying on people and relationships like clothes.” They need to be prepared for that. Big Momma, PMKP and PollyHannah look excited at the prospect, while Bill Gates looks like he just ate some Ex-lax brownies.

The music cues up and we see all the Turkeys gathered around the piano. Oh there’s so much to say about this, I’m going to resort to bullet points like I did for the Slushie video:

• PMKP is trying to look all “come hither” and Bill Gates just gives her the “hey there, wassup” hitch of the head. Heh.
• She walks up to Bill Gates and runs a finger down his chest. Then he picks her up in a very un-Bill Gates-way and she wraps her legs around his waist . Oh my. Even Ashley raises her eyebrows and Puck looks either uncomfortable or jealous.

• Damian whips around and is nose-to-nose with PollyHannah, trailing his fingers along her face. He thin spins her half way around to press himself up against her backside. She nearly faints. Note I didn’t say “she acts like she’s fainting.” Girlfriend nearly hit the floor.

• D flips his jacket aside to flash the tanktop and I nearly faint too.
• PollyHannah recovers enough to push D down on the piano bench. Oh, that movement looked far too familiar, Damian. Who else has done that to you???
• Ramen stalks over to PH as if he doesn’t like his woman giving attention to another man. She easily transfers her attention to Ramen, leaving Damian alone.  Aww. Poor guy needs some comfort!
• Ramen is doing a really good job of showing interest in PollyHannah. Mostly this involves some serious nose-to-nose contact but it’s cute. On a related note I hope these kids know about ProActiv and antibacterial wipes.

• Big Momma is in front of Damian, who’s doing a good job of hiding that he wants to throw up. Thankfully, Big Momma moves on to Bill Gates quickly. Heh. Bill Gates has more chemistry with Big Momma in two seconds than he did a minute with PMKP.
• Somehow in the space of two seconds Big Momma has moved from caressing Bill’s chest to kneeling on the piano. And the other five are clustered together all orgy-like. It’s creeping me out a bit. Thankfully some wise person has pushed Damian’s coat off his shoulders so we get another view of the tank top and it distracts me.
• Damian steals Big Momma’s Scarf of Theatricality. Am I the only one who hopes he stuffs it in PMKP’s mouth?

Puck, Ashley and Hairplugs have their mouths wide open, either from astonishment, laughter or (my guess) a mixture of the two. They are all quite surprised by what they’ve seen.

As I am, I have to admit.

Hairplugs tells them it was really, really great. “All of you really embraced the theme and went for it.” Ashley tells them “you did it. You pulled it out. That’s hard.”

You know what else is hard? Not making reference to all of the sexual innuendos in the dialogue. I didn’t miss them, I promise. I’m just trying to practice restraint.

For once.

Ashley tells Ramen that he had good chemistry with the boys and the girls.  He’s an equal opportunity lover.  Puck tells PollyHannah that she impressed him. “You owned it,” he says. Glee is all about owning who you are and what makes you different. He tells her that he spent the majority of time with his eyes on her. She looks really excited by this, and she’s downright giddy, barely able to contain herself.  Then she does this awesome motion, putting her hand up to her mouth and clasping her hand as if silencing a puppet. She knows she needs to look and act cooler than she does right now. Heh.

Puck tells Big Momma that he’s a sucker for guys with a higher range, and you can instantly that Big Momma is thinking, “Puck could be MINE!”  I don’t think that’s what he meant, Big Momma. Cool it. Big Momma reminds Puck of a “slightly more fabulous Cee-Lo.”

No telling what they thought of Damian or PMKP. Speaking of, have we ever had a mentor who gave Damian GOOD feedback? I can’t think of any.

Puck, Ashley and Hairplugs go into a huddle to determine who their winner will be. PollyHannah is chewing on her lip, Big Momma grins nervously, and Ramen swallows. (I’ve been sitting here for two minutes trying to think of another way to phrase that, but that’s all I can come up with. He swallows. No pun intended.)

Ashley, continuing to wear the pants in her relationship with Puck, speaks for them, saying they feel Ramen was the winner. The camera cuts to PMKP who was already in the midst of giving her fake “are you serious – I won??” smile when she realizes she in fact did NOT win. IN THE ROOM WITH THEM ALL AROUND HER she actually verbalizes, “WHAT? Really? No!”

Then we hear from her in a voice over, saying, “Ramen wins and it doesn’t make much sense. Just because he kind of does this squinty, sultry gaze thing?  It’s frustrating. It should have gone to me.”

Let’s see. Do you know how many people have based successful acting careers conveying sexiness through “squinty, sultry gazes”?  George Clooney. Brad Pitt. Pierce Brosnan. Angelina Jolie. Hugh Jackman. Johnny Depp. Every 1940s actress I can think of.  NEED I GO ON?

In addition, ButtFace, why should it have been you more than any of the others? They all seemed to do great. In fact, I didn’t really see you interacting with all of the others. Did you run your hands over Big Momma? Stare lovingly into PollyHannah’s eyes? NO. You. Did. Not. Why are you so freaking entitled?

Please shut up and go back to chewing your fingers.

They’re told that the big group number is “Teenage Dream” by Katy Perry. For this video, they’ll be paired up and perform in a different scenario. Big Momma is told he’ll paired with Ramen, and they both seem fairly excited. Even though we can’t see them, I’m guessing that just off screen Damian and Bill Gates are both wetting themselves with joy.

Ramen and Big Momma are told they will get one-on-one time with Ashley and Puck, and will be doing a “jam session” in a garage.  Ramen tells us he knows this is going to be a challenge. “Alex is gay,” he says. WHAT? FOR REAL? “… and I’m not. My job this week is to make it believable.”

Damo, whose eyebrows are wiggling with anticipation, is told that his partner is PMKP, and they’re going to have a jock/cheerleader scene.  PollyHannah’s jealousy is evident as she chews on her lip. “Obviously I wish that I had Damian as a partner. It’s kind of impossible not to have feelings for him.”

Oh, we know, girlfriend. We know. Have you seen him in a kilt yet?

Obviously our final pairing is PollyHannah and Bill Gates, who will have a flirty food fight. “I don’t think [our scene] is going to be incredibly sexual,” Bill says. “I don’t want it to be.”

Hairplugs tells them that this video, more than any other so far, is all about acting. “There’s nothing in particular you have to do, but remember the theme and what you’ve seen on Glee. Make us believe it.”

Bill Gates looks super worried.

We move next to choreography with Brooke, who is telling them “we’re not ATTACKING, we’re just getting a little closer.”  Hey, these kids have all rubbed noses. This should be a piece of cake.

Bill “I have a girlfriend” Gates knows he’s in trouble as the Turkeys are told to “grab on to your partner and hold tight.”

Damian is struggling. He’s not the strongest dancer to begin with, but he’s paired with someone who you may perceive to be a teeny bit of a control freak. Guess who’s leading the dance?  He doesn’t want to seem weak. I’m shouting at my TV, “maybe it’s not you being weak but PMKP being too strong!”

PMKP tells us that because she didn’t win the homework assignment she knows she’s not safe. Umm, did she not see what happened to MariZzza last week? NO ONE is safe.

Brooke has taught the couples some basic steps but is telling them that depending on their scene, they might have other opportunities. “You might be more intimate–” (insert horrified look from Bill Gates here} “–or go one step further.”

Hilarously, Ramen follows Brookes line with a glare at Big Momma. “Not too much!” Setting boundaries, so early in their relationship. I love it. Big Momma starts to give an “innocent” face but Ramen shuts the door on any wayward thoughts he may have by saying “I still date chicks.”  I’m laughing so hard I can’t even berate him for using the word “chicks”.

We move to the stinky boys dorm and the guys are all sitting down discussing their thoughts on the week. Before I get into any of that, I have to ask if anyone saw the flesh-colored item standing on Ramen’s bedside table and thought it was something besides lotion? For a teeny second, I thought that someone was taking this week’s theme a bit too far.

…And now I’m embarrassed.  Moving on.

Ramen tells us that he’s finding just being an “actor” to be challenging enough, but now having to do “a gay thing” is two scary things on top to each other.  He’s definitely nervous.  He tells us his mom is a Christian and he was raised as a Christian. His mom wouldn’t want to see him portray someone gay because it’s not something she agrees with.

Staying on this topic, Damian asks Bill “I’m not good at acting sexy” Gates if he’s comfortable with this week’s theme.  Bill tells us that even the word “sexuality” makes him uncomfortable. Ruh roh. Damian reminds him it’s not going to be over the top – this is Glee, after all. “But I do think there’s going to be kissing involved.” Given his potential partner, let’s hope Damian’s up to dates on his shots.

Damian tells us in a voiceover that Bill Gates is his “best mate” on the show and they tell each other everything. Bill has already expressed concern about the video shoot – what it’s going to involve – and D is worried for him. Awww!

We go next to the studio with Nookie. She’s telling her sound booth cronies that this week, all of the kids are going to sing the entire song straight through. In the past they’ve always just done sections or lines. This will be a challenge for them. Hmm. I can think of one person this shouldn’t be a problem for – someone who is used to carrying full songs…

Ramen is up first, and he’s killing it on a harmony part. Nookie’s rocking out, telling Ramen that his voice is just great. Next up is Big Momma, and it’s not quite as great. In fact, it sounds as if someone is attempting to give a bath to an angry rabid cat.

We feel your pain.

God bless her bluntness. “That didn’t work.” Sadly she doesn’t follow it by saying, “Get the crap out of my booth. You’re fired!”

PollyHannah is struggling as well, because the song falls right on her break. For those of you who don’t sing, your ‘break’ is what they call the range or note where you have to switch from your chest voice to your head voice. It’s not difficult to do this, but usually it doesn’t sound good. Your head voice is rarely as strong and emphatic as a chest voice, and it was very obvious on PH’s final note.

Nookie is very happy with Damian’s performance. She tells him she’s very impressed with his growth over the last few weeks, and he’s thrilled to hear it. “Hearing that I’ve made progress as a performer – that’s one of the reasons I came here.”

PoorMansKatyPerry enters next and Nookie tells her that they’re counting on her. We all know PMKP is perfect in-studio, right? I mean, she tells us enough. But not today!! I think I should be concerned how happy this makes me. PMKP finishes a line and Nookie can’t help but mutter, “oh good Lord.”

“PMKP struggled today. I’m kind of disappointed because I think she’s really talented. But that’s the cool thing about this competition. At some point or another, every single person is going to be out of their comfort zone.”

…which of course leads us to Bill Gates.

He seems to give a really good, effortless performance, and Nookie is grateful. “Thank you! Just what I ordered!” Bill smiles at her, but she’s not letting him off so easily.

“Did I hear you have a hard time with this whole thing?” she asks him.

“Yeah, um. I have had a little bit of a hard time with this. Sexuality is a bit of a challenge, to try and put myself out there.”

“I hear ya,” Nookie says. “But my question though, is it just because of the way your parents raised you or because of the cross you wear around your neck?”  I have to admit, I am kind of confused by her question. Is she asking if he’s uncomfortable with it because of his personal Christianity or his parents’ Christianity? I don’t know.

Well, apparently Bill understands the query. “Both,” he replies. “I believe that sex is something you wait for until after marriage.” Now I’m even more confused by Nookie’s question.

Nookie tells us in a voiceover that Bill Gates “is so sweet. He’s having a moral dilemma. But you have to put your own beliefs aside and act the part of the character.”

We move next to the video shoot. Erik walks in and asks them if they’re ready for a little Sexuality. That just sounds wrong. He reminds us that Ramen and Big Momma are in the garage. Heh.

Big Moron (oops! funny typo that I’m not going to fix) says he’s worried about doing the scene with the non-gay Ramen. “I don’t want to step on his toes by crossing the straight line.”  Oh, BM. I don’t think his TOES are the body part at the top of Ramen’s worry list. “But other than that, I’m just ready to do it! Sexuality is kind of my thing. I’m ready to get out there and be sexy.” I’m just ready for you to go away.

I find it humorous that the costume people have dressed them in near-matching flannel shirts. Apparently this gay couple is the lumberjack and flannel type, not a pink polo/pressed khakis, spending-Saturdays-at-Ikea kind of gay couple.

The “garage” scene is lit with a hot pink lighting, which I’m sure, mirrors most garages. Ramen is doing his best to feign attraction to BM and I have to give him credit. Hairplugs agrees. “Ramen is SO committed!”

Ramen feels good about his performance, more confident after his one-on-one time with Ashley and Puck. Cue flashback… We see Ramen telling Ashley he feels sexuality is held more in the eyes than in the body. He asks them how they handle that, since they’re both very good at capturing that.  “We’re not good at that,” Puck says. “We’re GREAT at that.” Heh.  He continues, “I think the minute you try to be sexy you’re not.” Are you listening, Big Momma?

Ashley tells us that it’s about chemistry – “chemistry is as real to life as you can play it.” Huh? Ramen doesn’t get it either. Puck turns to Big Momma and says starts to say something about being young.  “How old are you? 18? Wait, are you old enough to be sexy?”

In the words of Mercedes, “Hell to the No.“

We move back to the Barbie Dream Garage and while Ramen is getting comfortable with the guitar he’s picked up (finally!) we get up close shots of Big Momma mugging at a mirror – licking his lips, rolling his chest a la ShortStack and doing his “sexy” head sweat wipe thing. Hairplugs is not happy.

“Big Momma is being a little over the top,” he says. NO KIDDING. We then get a montage of clips where BM is exaggerating the gay. “I think he is playing it flamboyant because he’s trying to play sexy.”  With “play sexy” being the key words there. “But he needs more levels.”

We get one final scene of Ramen and BM finishing the song, Ramen pretending that he’s totally into BM, their hands are clasped together. And the SECOND that Erik calls “cut!” Ramen shakes his hand free and I wouldn’t be surprised if he wiped it on his jeans to get rid of the gay cooties. Heh.

Next up is Damo and PMKP. I have to say, they look the parts, making a cute cheerleader/football player combo. There, PMKP compliment out of the way: full snark ahead!

PoorMansKatyPerry reminds us that she really sucked in the studio and she needs to step it up. We should expect some “serious heat” out of her and Damian. Aw, honey. If you’ve got fires going on, you really should call your doctor. They sell creams for that.

Drugstore.com offers delivery. I’m just sayin’.

Needless to say, PMKP is overjoyed at the huge bed in the room. Damian is concerned, knowing he needs to be on his “A” game. “PMKP, without question, is probably the strongest actress here.”

We see a couple of rehearsal shots, and it honestly doesn’t seem to be going swimmingly. Though to me it looks like they’re both struggling a bit, my BFF Zach tells us that Damo is the one Turkey who often needs a bit more direction. Zach walks into the bedroom and begins to freaking ballroom dance with our boy. Awesome.

To be fair, we all know Damo isn’t the best dancer. Then you put a giant king-size obstacle in his path? Of course he’s gonna struggle.

Zach wants Damian to step it up and be “a leading man” but PMKP is “overpowering him.” Hairplugs is telling Nookie how obvious it is than PMKP can act. But in regard to the recording studio, Nookie says, “She is not the most versatile voice, and she just has that musical theatre thing is hard to–” control? stop? beat out of her? We’re left hanging.

We go back to the bedroom where they’re filming the end of the scene. At the last second, PMKP leans in and kisses D. Neither of them seem to be overly into it, but when they break, they’re both smiling. In her face, I see triumphant accomplishment. In his, I see embarrassment, but trying to look cool.

We watch as D and PMKP go into the waiting room. OMG: are those purple satin Miss Piggy boots that Big Momma is wearing? Lord, give me strength. Hannah, rocking some really cute straight hair asks them how it went. PMKP says it was “good fun.” PMKP touches her hair/face in that way she does. When Bill Gates(?) says “you look happy, Damian!” and someone says, “is that some lipgloss I see?” Damian quickly swipes at his lips and says “probably.”

PollyHannah gasps, then says, “say what?” Her jealousy is cute. As well as totally understandable. “I have a huge crush on Damian,” she reminds us. “And the kiss between him and PMKP makes me so jealous.”

PMKP is saying that the kiss “just kind of happened” and “it kind of went that way.” Who knew lips could move of their own volition?

Bill “Furrowed Brow” Gates looks terrified. What if the same thing happens to him, and PollyHannah is overcome with a need to kiss him? He knows D and PMKP set a pretty high bar, and he’s freaking out.

We now move into a kitchen with Bill and PollyHannah. Erik is telling them to have fun with it.  “This can be a fun flirty video.” He points to the kitchen counter were we see all the ingredients for cupcakes – flour, honey, cherries, oil, salt, sprinkles and vanilla – and he’s telling them to “do stuff” with it, like try to seduce Bill Gates.

I don’t know if you’ll believe this, but again he’s freaking out. I don’t think he likes the word “seduce” either. Hairplugs knows Bill finds this difficult but “actors are frequently faced with playing characters who don’t feel the way they feel.”

In blocking the scene, they come to a point where Bill will have PH “pinned” to the refrigerator, and Erik asks how they would feel about Bill leaning in and kissing PH. She’s willing to go for it, but leaves the decision to Bill.

Push, meet Shove. It’s time for Bill to make a stand. After chewing on his fingers for a moment, “Yeah, I kind of feel weird about it.” Erik doesn’t push him – he respects the limit. PollyHannah looks away, knowing that Bill Gates has a line he’s not willing to cross. She just hopes his decision doesn’t end up in her being one of the Sucksters.

“It’s hard to stand for what you believe in,” Bill says. “Especially in the entertainment world. To set boundaries is really hard.”

We don’t get to see any of the filming of Bill and PH’s scene, we just get straight to the video:

• We open with quick shots from each of the scenes – the Barbie Dream Garage, the bedroom and the kitchen.
• Hannah starts us off, stirring up some batter, as she looks across the room to Bill. The scene immediately strikes a note with me – something that I would have done (cook with a potential boyfriend so he could see what a good homemaking wife I could make one day). I have high hopes for their scene, even though I know a kiss is not forthcoming.
• The three pairings appear to work out well. The flannel twins are the first to have “a moment” of actual togetherness.
• The dance that Brooke taught each couple actually works pretty well. Sexiness check: yes
• PollyHannah strikes the first blow in the food fight, with some chocolate brownie batter on his cheek. Sexiness check: yes
•  Big Momma is standing at a mic stand, caressing it. Sexiness check:  no. Ramen comes up behind him and runs his hands down BM’s arms. Sexiness check: Eh, would be if BM was a female
• Damian runs his hands up PMKPs arms and starts playing with her hair. Sexiness check: yes. Jealousy check: hell, yes.
• The food fight is progressing. PH has either white frosting or Crisco on her cheek and in her hair. Obviously Bill Gates has zero understanding on how long it takes to straighten curly hair and the lengths we women will go to extend the life of a blowout. You’ve just forced an immediate hair washing, Bill Gates. Not cool. But sexiness check: still a yes
• In each scene, something has dropped on the floor – juice in the kitchen, roses in the bedroom, Ramen’s dignity in the Barbie Dream Garage. Each of the boys in the scene bend down to pick it up and sing to their partner. The “girl” bends down and leads them back up to standing position by putting their hands on the boys’ chin. PollyHannah/Bill Sexiness check: yes! Damian/PMKP sexiness check: yes. Ramen/Big Momma sexiness check: Oogy. No.
• PMKP slaps Damo on the butt. Hands off, girlfriend!
• PollyHannah pushes Bill Gates, much like she pushed Damo in the homework assignment. Then she swipes her finger in the peanut butter jar and then along Bill’s cheek. Sexiness check: pretty good. Would have been better if the peanut butter finger had been licked off. I’m just sayin’. However, he immediately wipes the peanut butter off his own face and lightly touches hers with it. Sexiness check: back on!
• The image of PMKP with her head on Damo’s check is actually a cute one. Dangit. Sexiness check: yes.
• Bill Gates pushing PollyHannah up against the fridge? Hot. Grabbing a can of spray whipped cream and spraying her neck/chest area? This would be hot if not for the thought that the whipped cream was obviously not refrigerated and people like me worry about that kind of stuff. Food safety’s not a joke, people. But I do love whipped cream. Trust me, if there’s a can of that stuff in my house, it’s emptied straight into my mouth.
• PollyHannah and Bill’s food fight has devolved from sexiness into a flat out mess. She’s deep conditioning his locks with a bottle of Crisco. Sexiness check: not any more. I can’t get past the mess and wondering who would have to clean it up. Have you ever tried to wipe oil off of a floor?
• In each of the scenes, one of the pair hitches the head as if to say, “c’mere, sexy.” Damian crooks his little finger back at PMKP in a “no, you come THIS way” motion. I briefly pass out. Dang. Sexiness check: off the chart, boy!
• Each scene now has a chase: Ramen and Big Momma are chasing around a funeral urn (I’m not kidding – go watch it again), PollyHannah and Bill Gates are going around a kitchen island, and Damian cheats by scrambling over the bed to get to PMKP. Sexiness check: very cute. If Damo was actually scrambling AWAY from PMKP, then the sexiness factor goes up considerably.
• PollyHannah and Bill Gates have taken to pouring milk over their heads, batter is everywhere, flour is flying and PH has a mouthful of whipped cream. I knew I liked her. Sexiness check: yuck.
• The vid ends with the PMKP and Damian kiss. Sexiness check: good, but would be hotter if they actually acted interested in each other. I can’t help but feel Damian acted more “into” PollyHannah during the homework than he did in his scene with PMKP

In the boys dorm, Damo is telling Bill Gates that he did his best and he couldn’t have done more than he did. Other than kiss PollyHannah, that is.

Damian wisely tells Bill it’s far worse to have regrets, regretting that you did or didn’t do something. Bill appreciates Damo’s words, since they’re such good buds, and he knows Damo doesn’t want to see him go home. Bill says he’s past the point of “trying to figure out what’s going to happen and past the point of worrying about what’s going to happen.”

Finally, it’s time to stand on stage and determine who the Sucksters are.  Hairplugs tells them it’s been “quite a week” and they all overcame the big challenge of it.  He says each of them really committed and showed such growth, but still, three have to sing for Ryan. This week, rather than looking at who was the worst and looking for faults where there weren’t any, they focused on who were the best three. The Goodsters, if you will.

Zach starts off by telling PollyHannah, my favorite koala bear, that she did great. “You’re just a very good actress,” Hairplugs tells her. “And I think you had a great chemistry because you’re so comfortable together as friends.” PollyHannah is our first Goodster. She quickly leaves the stage as if she’s afraid they’re going to change their minds.

Ramen is also a Goodster, but they don’t show us the particular reasons why.

Hairplugs looks to Bill Gates, and tells him that at the beginning (of the shoot? the week? the season?) he was very intense, but didn’t have a lot of levels. As soon as Hairplugs mentions the non-kiss, Bill kind of snorts and hangs his head a bit.  “You chose not to [kiss her]. How do you feel?”

“I’m glad I stuck up for what I believe in. I’m glad I put my foot down. I can sleep at night knowing that I did what I believed.”  Hairplugs, in that odd voiceover voice that tells us it was recorded after the fact, tells us he thinks Bill overthought and overfocused on the kiss and it led to a less-than-stellar performance.  Bill is told he’s not a Goodster, and Bill seems to accept that decision pretty well. Damian’s face here looks heartbroken for his friend.

Big Momma is next, and is told “this was the first time a lot of your acting was a bit flamboyant.” In related news, I’ve now had my jaw wired shut after the paramedics picked it up off the floor. Because he was over the top, he’s not a Goodster. He looks disappointed, but immediately starts envisioning which Scarf of Theatricality will look best with his blue stilettos.

That leaves Damian and PoorMansKatyPerry. Zach looks like he wants to barf at having to make this decision:

Regret, or trying to surreptitiously pick his nose?

“This was a really difficult call,” Hairplugs tells them. “It was tough to determine if Damian wasn’t quite stepping up to the challenge of being a leading man or if PMKP was overpowering the scene because she was so in character.”

“PMKP,” Zach begins, before turning to Hairplugs in a “don’t make me do this” or “I can’t believe I’m going to do this” way.

“Just say it,” PMKP says, figuring that Zach was having a hard time putting her suckiness into words. Do I dare hope princess is in the bottom?

“PMKP, you’re also a Goodster.” Her face shows she didn’t expect this. And honestly, so does Damian, who’s incidentally wearing a yummy charcoal sweater. He pulls PMKP for a quick kiss on the hair and tells her “well done.” Class. She leaves the stage.

Our Sucksters are, in case your eyes have gone blurry by this point, are Bill Gates, Big Momma, and Damian.  We’re reminded that they’ve all Sucked before, and that the songs they’ll sing for Ryan this week are those they could imagine their character singing to audition for New Directions.  Big Momma gets “I Will Survive,” Bill Gates gets “Blackbird” by the Beatles, and Damian gets “Danny Boy”. Hairplugs asks him if he’s sung it before. Yes, oh yes. “Too many times.”

During rehearsal Big Momma tells us he’s tired of Sucking week after week. We’re tired of it, too. Cameron takes to rehearsal seeming excited about his song selection. “God bless you, Paul McCartney.” He tells us – again – that it feels good to have stuck by his morals. “Something inside of me just feels okay. I’m just going to go out there and sing my heart out.”

We see Damian in his rehearsal and his face looks red, as if he’s been crying again. We then hear him say he’s not going to lie, “going into this for a fourth time, mentally I’m beginning to struggle. I’m not sure I can take any more.”

Interestingly enough, we don’t get a single clip of any of the three actually practicing.

The Judge and Jury (why did I only think to call them this now?) enter the theater and take their seats. Hairplugs reminds us these are the “make it or break it” changes for each contender.  Then we see him reminding Ryan of the theme and revealing the Sucksters. “It was tough this week,” he says, looking at Zach for confirmation. “We were splitting hairs because they really rose to the challenge.”

Reminder: I am deliberately choosing not to make the obvious jokes about innuendo. It’s not easy.

Damo is up first, though “he did the best he has ever done.” Zach, who oftentimes comes down pretty hard on our boy, agrees. “Amen.” Zach then tells Ryan he (Damian) was the toughest to put in the bottom.

Damo comes out. “I wish I could say it’s great to be here, but…” he says, laughing. “I’m singing Danny Boy. It’s a lovely song. I hope I do it justice.”

Except – and you know I love Damian – he doesn’t. I don’t know if it was the arrangement, the key, the fact that he doesn’t usually sing both the low and high parts, or what, but I wasn’t feeling it, and I don’t think Damian was either. His face was obviously filled with an emotion, but he was disconnected from the song, like he was just going through the motions and thinking about something else.

“I don’t think it was your best performance,” Ryan says. “I don’t think it helped you tonight. I thought the last time I saw you I was very moved by you. But tonight, meh.”  Ryan says he didn’t feel anything from the performance.

Damo says it’s tough because he’s sung it so many times before. And Ryan totally copies me by saying he thought D was disconnected from it.

Hairplugs, always looking for something positive to say, says that out of all the Turkeys, Damo has shown the most growth. Ryan is quick to agree but says “if it’s not something that’s great for you, fake it.”

An episode about Sexuality and someone is saying “fake it”? Dang you, high road! So many comments I could make!

Ryan is still talking. “These kids [the current cast] are going to graduate and I need someone who will come in there, as the next Finn Hudson character, the next Cory, and I see that in you.” Whoa. Super huge compliment there.  But Ryan’s not done. “I see flashes of it, but then tonight it’s like, ‘oh, that’s not him’. Just when I think you’re up there, you come down.”

Damo looks very disappointed in himself as we cut to commercial.

(Note: during this commercial break we have the instantly classic “Hannah-whipped-cream-tats-OMG” moment that seriously deserves it’s own post. Over the past week I’ve probably watched it one time for each paragraph in this recap, a.k.a. A LOT. Stay tuned…)

Back to Sucksterville. Next up is Big Momma, who is in the bottom because he was overly flamboyant. Hairplugs points out that once he was given the direction to play it more real, he was fine.

Big Momma comes out dressed as a man(!), wearing what reminds me of a gray Members Only jacket I wore throughout 9th grade. Ah, good times. He starts off, and it’s, um, awful. Off-key, face sweat wiping, growling, and, oh yeah, flamboyant. Out of all the performances he’s given on the show, this is the worst, in my opinion.  Someone get a Mr. Yuk sticker for this one.

Ryan claps, because he’s a nice guy, and says that while he was on set this week he told Amber Riley, who plays Mercedes, that she had “some competition” but she was not having it. Neither will I. And I will completely ignore the “that’s-my-girl-grinding-motion” Big Momma made at the mention of her name.  Ewww.

“I think you are a great performer,” Ryan tells Big Momma, and I die a little bit inside. “I think your cross to bear on this show is acting something other than that.”  AMEN!  That’s why he should have been made to act with a woman this week!!  Even the gay characters on the show -every one of them- has had at least one “straight” scene to play.  Why does no one listen to me? (Show people, I mean)

Big Momma is told he can knock the “diva stuff” out of the park, which I agree he can. But it’s one-dimensional. He can play one way, from everything I’ve seen. Ryan wants to see other flavors from him. “I want to see something real.”  Oh, snap!  Ryan gives him a little smile of encouragement that really begins to make me fear for our bromance between Damo and Bill.

Last up is Bill. “Oh, Bill. What’s up with this kid? It feels like every week he can’t do the lesson or he does the lesson and blows it,” Ryan says.  Hairplugs says he’s just growing slower than the others.

Ryan thinks he’s the farthest behind in the pack. “Maybe he’s a singer and not an actor/singer?” Good thinking.

Bill walks out and absolutely nails the song. It’s a great song and his take on is is absolutely gorgeous. Possibly my performance of Bill’s ever. The hand-motion seizure bit is completely gone. Hunh. Wonder if there’s a connection there.

The Judge and Jury have looks on their faces like they’re under a spell or in the grip of a very special moment. Way to go, Bill Gates!

Ryan opens the post-song talk but just saying, “You had a hard week.”

Bill agrees – it was indeed hard. “I can’t lie. It’s something I’ve never been through before. But I know the beliefs that I have. It’s definitely been a real challenge.”

Ryan tells Bill that he really admires Bill’s conviction. “It’s your conviction that I’m interested in writing toward.” He says that one of the things they haven’t done well on Glee up to this point is represent a more conservative, religious, faith-based viewpoint. A point upon which I totally agree. It’s hard to buy the Glee message that “you need to be accepting of that which is different” when one entire view is not represented and therefore not perceived to be accepted.

*kicks away soap box*

But while Ryan loves Bill’s convictions, they could be problematic. “But what if we see something in that character, and you have to have a scene with Lea Michele, and you have to kiss her, and you’re not dating her, and I’m brought down to the set because you won’t do that. What am I supposed to do? I feel like you’re not giving me any room to wiggle. And while I respect your convictions, that’s the gig.”

“Ummm,” Cameron says, obviously struggling. Ryan continues. “Do you think you’re an actor, or are you a singer?” And there’s something in this very second – a look that passes over Cam’s face, a swallow, a cutting of the eyes – that tells me he’s come to a decision. Maybe as though he’s realized being “just a singer” is enough.

Cam says he’s been having sleepless nights, thinking about the fellow Turkeys, who really want this gig and who aren’t afraid to push themselves out of their comfort zones. He doesn’t think it’s fair to proceed in the competition given his reservations, while someone who would work hard and do what is being asked of them is sent home tonight.

“Wait,” Ryan asks. “Are you quitting? I feel like you’ve just resigned.” With a cracking voice and drippy nose, Cameron says that it’s been an amazing experience and the people he’s met have changed his life. “But I feel like this isn’t for me.”

Zach looks down dejectedly and Hairplugs swallows in stunned silence.  “Well, how about you let us make that decision for you right now?” Ryan asks. “Because I don’t feel like I’m willing to give up on you right now.”

Cameron is visibly surprised that they seem to be fighting for him when he’s already given up. Ryan is telling him that “if we see something in you and we can make it work, you have to trust in me. Will you do that for me?” Cameron agrees and leaves the stage.

With all the talk of evil Hollywood and people who are only out for themselves, I really appreciated this. The fact they’re willing to work within his parameters and that they see more in him than he sees in himself at that moment. Very cool.

The Judge and Jury begin to deliberate, and obviously Zach doesn’t see any point in discussing it. “He just asked to go home!” Ryan just thinks Cam is confused, and Hairplugs also doesn’t think Cam can give it up. “He’ll stay.”

Ryan doesn’t believe that Cam can give up all that’s at stake here: a TV show, a concert tour, a recording deal…” Ironically, Cameron’s convictions leading him to quit are the very thing that have finally convinced Ryan he’s right for Glee.  “I want him to stay now. I’m gonna go talk to him.”

We see Ryan pop his head into Cam’s dressing room, where Cam is crying. Chomping his gum as if his very life depended on it, Ryan asks Cam “what’s going on with you?” and wants a hug. This is sweet. “Why are you crying? Why are you so upset? Are you homesick?”  I like that Ryan realizes these aren’t hard, seasoned actors but kids who really don’t much. They don’t know who they are yet, they don’t know what they want, they don’t know what’s in store for them – they’re just kids.

Cam says yes, he’s a bit homesick, but it’s a bit more than that. “Well, I’m here to tell you that you’re in. You stay. The decision is up to you. We believe in you and have confidence in you.”

“I don’t want to disappoint you,” Cam says, breaking my heart. Ryan doesn’t want Cam to focus on him, but focus on himself. “You have a gift, and you are given an opportunity to show the entire world your gift. If we respect your boundaries and parameters, why wouldn’t you try? I know you’re emotional. We’ve never done this in the competition. That being said, do you want to stay? Will you do another week? You have to decide.”

How Cam isn’t caving under this, I have no idea.

“Do you want another week? Or do you want to go home now?” Cam knows he’s very emotional at the moment but he’s been having these thoughts for a while. “I think I’m ready to go.”

Ryan is shocked, because he’s never seen a show where someone has just walked away. Wow. He must not watch much Reality TV.

In a move that’s either really jerk-y or designed to make Cam feel better about his decision, Ryan says, “Well, the person you just saved is Damian.”

Wait a minute? You were going to send my boy home – the one who has shown the most growth, mind you – and save the one-note Big Momma YET AGAIN? Oh Ryan Murphy. You better hope you don’t meet me in a dark alley because I will sputter in mute frustration all over you. (I get that way around famous people. I can’t speak. Ask Simon LeBon of Duran Duran. I practically vomited upon meeting him.)

But back to Cameron. This isn’t about me.

Ryan is sad at this news. He tells Cameron that he could have gone all the way to the finals and he could have written Cam a really great role that would have touched a lot of people.

The three Sucksters finally come back into the HomeDepotLounge where PH, PMKP and Ramen are waiting.  They ask the Sucksters what’s going on, and are shocked and saddened to hear about Cam’s encounter with Ryan. “So tonight,” he tells them, “I’m leaving.” PollyHannah and PoorMansKatyPerry are both in tears at the news.

Cameron tells them his decision just felt right, and by making it, he saved Damian. Instead of the typical walk of shame and Loser Reveal, we get a shot of Cameron, crossing out Damian’s name and replacing it with his own.

“When your heart tells you you should be somewhere else, you just go for it.  I feel I did something so big and something I thought I could never do.”

Damian is wiping away tears as he hugs his ‘best mate’ Cameron. He tells us he’s at a loss for words. In addition to losing his friend, he’s been saved again.

Cameron tells us – with a smile it seems – that he has no regrets about being on the show and that he “left it all on the field” and he’s confident in what he’s done.  He believes, just like Maria von Trapp, that when one door closes, another opens. The fact he says this while nearly running into the door of the HomeDepotLounge is not lost on me.

He gives us a really, really nice “Keep Holding On” performance (while wearing a very Warbler-esque sweater, I might add!) as the remaining Turkeys brush away tears. He’s not dead, kids. He’s just not your competition anymore. Chins up.

Hey, I hear the Warblers are holding auditions.

Next week: Believability. People crying in studio. Pressure mounting.  Apparently one suffers from a lack of believability and I’m guessing, goes home. Oh, and if we’re lucky, a shorter recap. I am WAY TOO WORDY.